AboutClyde Expertise I can answer questions on the recovery from alcohol addiction as I am a recovering alcoholic with 15 years of sobriety. I can also address the spiritual aspects of the 12-Step program as I have a Master of Divinity degree and serve as a pastor for the Quaker church.
Experience I am a recovering alcoholic with 15 years of continuous sobriety.
Education/Credentials Master of Divinity awarded in 2000 from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary
Question On the face of it, my wife and I have a great relationship and great lives. But there is a dark secret which is only revealed if you watch my wife swaying on her feet just before bed time after sly trips to the Shed or bathroom.
After only two beers with dinner the night before, the bedroom reeks of hard liquor. For years I’ve blocked it out, mind over matter, apart from the very odd occasion it is mentioned after which it was brushed under the carpet again.
On the occasions where I confront her (never whilst drinking) I do it with dignity and without being aggressive. She doesn’t like to discuss it or admit verbally what the problem is but indicates the drinking will stop.
Most recently, when I caught her red handed carefully washing a long-since-retired child’s juice cup and hiding it in her clothing when I came over to the sink, she said the next morning she was going to stop and declared how fantastic it was to have a weight of her shoulders.
Later that day and the next she declared she was amazed how easy it was and that she was “never going back”. I said: “You know most alcoholics have to hit rock bottom before they can quit”. “My father didn’t”, she replied. “So I’m not going to!”
Four days of (apparent) sobriety and I’m full of optimism and hope and believing are shattered when she announces after dinner, just popping out to do laundry. Something twigs with me and I quickly tail her out, she’s not in the laundry shed. I hear the tell tale “fizz” sound of the tonic bottle opening in the stable adjacent. I go back in the house confused, I come back out, she’s walking up the yard, “What’s down there?” I ask. “Oh the door was flapping in the wind”: I know she’s lying, my heart sinks, crushing disappointment, why did I build myself up to believe, to hope.
After she has gone to sleep (that awful deep noisy stinking stupor from which you can gauge the amount imbibed in secret over the night) I go to the stable and dig up out of the shavings a nearly empty 750 of Gin, the Empty tonic bottle, and, the dregs of a bottle of white wine.
I take a photo for no reason other than I don’t know what else to do. I want to confront her but I’m scared of tipping the apple cart. I know I’m enabling, but I hope over and over we can fix this without the god-awful things I read about (interventions, hitting rock bottom, involving outside helpers)
What should I do? I think I know but maybe I just need to be told.
We have a four year old girl who is my life. Five years ago, the first time she gave up drinking, she said “Can we have a Baby?” “Sure, but you must stay off the drink”. She promised.
And now I worn to a ravelling from the lying and deceit, left feeling empty. I feel trapped. I say things to myself like I’ll endure this for six more years and I couldn’t leave now while my daughter is so young...
Answer Steve,
Thank you for the questions and the explanation of the drinking habits of your wife.
It sounds as if you are indeed married to an alcoholic given the drinking amount and methods. Many people are "secret" drinkers because of the shame and guilt. Their psyches just won't give up the ghosts that caused them to enter into alcoholism.
Any number of things could have led her down the path of discovering the drink and some psychological dilemma gave her the motive to think that the feeling she gets from the tipsiness is doing her some sort of good. Alcoholics like the effect of alcohol. We crave the sensation of the "buzz" and the "drunk." This is the craving of the body.
The there is the "obsession of the mind" which has us locked into a neverending cycle. We can not forget the inebriating effect and we need it to survive as we have lost the ability to handle life on life's terms. That is pretty much where your wife is right now.
Nothing will make this better on its own. There must be a change and she is not capable of doing it alone. You are not he person to do this either because you are not an alcoholic and you can not relate to her needs for the drink.
Facing your fear of 'intervention, hitting rock bottom, and outside helpers' is going to be the ticket for her recovery. She may not succeed so, at the outset, know that you are not responsible for the outcome. She is and she alone will make it happen or no.
You do not say, but I would suppose that Alcoholics Anonymous has not been part of her story. It should be as soon as possible. I can not tell you how to accomplish this but a good first start may be a firm and stern warning that unless she gets help immediately, you are done with the lieing and the deceit and the closet drinking. She must be confronted with some real consequences for her behaviors.
If she can not handle getting to AA on her own, then you may need to consider an intervention and have her taken to a treatment facility for 30 days of detox and rehab. In there she will learn about alcoholism and about the 12-step program of AA. She will learn about herself and why she has fallen victim to alcohol. But all that is a ways off for now.
Hitting rock bottom is absolutely necessary as only then does the alcoholic know that something had better change or they will lose things they consider dear to them.
One last suggestion if you have not already considered this -- go to Alanon for your own sanity and for support as you make this big step towards health for your family. You'll need the support and help of people who have "been there, done that." There is no shame in seeking help form this disease.
I hope this helps and I will hold you and your wife in my prayers as you discern with God's help what to do next. Write again if I may be of any further help.
