About Joseph Lee O. Expertise Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.
Experience The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
Question QUESTION: Hi Im am a 52 yr old woman living with my 59 year old boyfriend of 7 years. We have lived together 2 yrs.I knew he drank somewhat when we lived apart, I have a drink about once a month. He is a Vietnam vet who does not discuss it ever, he is an extreme control person when it comes to the smallest details, he drinks every evening after dinner to the point of turning into a different person. He is rude, sarcastic, negative and says hurtful things to me. In the morning he is sweet , kind, brings me coffee, packs my lunch for work, always saying I love you, and how attracted he is to me etc.
I am very confused. I daily contemplate leaving my Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde, yet I know he loves me and is hurting. He is a hardworking man with a perfect home yet I dont trust him not to turn on me in the evening. Im loosing my decision making skills I noticed, since one never knows if you are right or wrong or will say the wrong thing. I rented out my home to be here and I work full time too, sharing in the food and mortgage here. He keeps asking me to marry him and I told him he has to many issues and I dont think its a good idea.
Last Christmas I told him to go to AA and he said never, and that he is in control. He says I need to walk a mile in his shoes and then I would understand.
His adult children told me he was always like this and much worse. I feel like If I leave I will be killing him because I know he loves me and wants me here,But Im so exhausted from one minute to the next not knowing if he is the man I adore or a man I can not stand. Thank you for any help you can offer. Is there hope or am I a fool? Thanks so much.
ANSWER: Greetings to you, Lisa.
I have a mental picture of your dilemma, and please allow me to comment as I again read through your letter ...
You have written:
>> He is a Vietnam vet who does not discuss it ever ...
I am also a 59-year-old vet.
>> He is an extreme control person when it comes to the smallest details ...
Same here, but not as unreasonably as in the past!
>> He drinks every evening after dinner to the point of turning into a different person ... rude, sarcastic, negative and says hurtful things to me.
The alcohol is releasing his high-character inhibitions that otherwise hold back the tremendous waves of tumult inside.
>> In the morning he is sweet, kind, brings me coffee, packs my lunch for work, always saying I love you, and how attracted he is to me etc.
That is real.
>> I am very confused.
Yes, and understandably so.
>> I know he loves me and is hurting.
Yes.
>> I don’t trust him not to turn on me in the evening.
I will comment on that at the end of this letter.
>> I’m loosing my decision-making skills I noticed, since one never knows if you are right or wrong or will say the wrong thing.
If I am hearing you correctly, that is more of a problem in the evening than in the morning? If so, and even though I am jumping ahead a bit here, you might consider second-shift work.
>> I rented out my home to be here ...
You might be better-off there while carefully having a safe-distance relationship, but I cannot say for sure about that from here.
>> He keeps asking me to marry him and I told him he has to many issues and I don’t think its a good idea.
I agree.
>> I told him to go to AA and he said never, and that he is in control.
>> He says I need to walk a mile in his shoes and then I would understand.
>> His adult children told me he was always like this and much worse.
If his hurtful behaviour toward you is *only* verbal and has *never* been physical and is *not* getting worse over time, you might be safe with him as long as you can understand he is likely never going to deal any differently with his past, and if you live your own life accordingly.
>> I feel like if I leave I will be killing him because I know he loves me and wants me here ...
Only you can decide whether you can handle remaining there with him for whatever reason or reasons of your own. But if your being there is largely sacrificial, as in more for him than for yourself, then you are going to need to pace things a bit and have good supportive and healthy fellowship alone with close friends and/or family in other settings.
>> I’m so exhausted from one minute to the next not knowing if he is the man I adore or a man I cannot stand.
He is both ... and I do not know what to add about that.
>> Is there hope or am I a fool?
If you were a fool, you would not be writing to someone and asking questions. But, neither would I say there is much hope of any significant change.
You had written:
>> I don’t trust him not to turn on me in the evening.
If he has *ever* been physically harmful to you, and even if only so much as being a little rough during intimacy, you might as well just get away right now. I know of another relationship (actually a marriage and) exactly like yours, and the woman ultimately had to leave for the sake of her own mental and emotional well-being as well as her immediate physical safety. But if he has *never* been physically harmful and his verbal abuse is *not* worsening, you *might* be safe there if you quietly and respectfully let him know you would like to let him have his drinking time to himself ... then possibly even sleep in a separate room during those times. If you *might* decide to do something like that, be quietly open and respectfully honest with him at a time when he is relaxed. He likely knows he sometimes disturbs you, and he might actually be relieved and even lighten up a bit if he knows you are not condemning him for anything.
I will gladly talk with you more, if you wish, so please know you are always welcomed to write.
Joseph Lee O.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Dear Mr Joseph Lee O, I am truly grateful for your response to my letter and the wonderful way you answered it. I was pleased to know you are a Vet too, so now I know you understand what I do not.
I need to ask a few more things if you have time.
Early evening, when he doesnt seem to much under the influence, we talk, but in the morning he will not remember a whole conversation we had. Then he will say things to cover it up or make a joke of it. Is he losing his mind to the alchohol?
He had said that I dont deserve to be spoken to badly and that he is sorry but I have learned over time that it will happen again eventually. How can one apologize for something they dont remember doing? I am happy that you plainly said things will most likely never change I needed to hear that, and it gives me a black and white picture of my choices.
I love him ,and my heart aches for his past,and I know I can't fix him but I keep thinking if I love him enough he will feel it and he will not need to drink like this. Is that an unrealistic idea?
He hasnt raised a hand to me but on occasion when we are joking around he will squeeze my head way to hard or pretend he is going to push on my temples really hard, but I tell him stop and he does, and sometimes he will put me hard to the wall, and ask me if I can handle it, but he is sober and trying to be funny when he does it but I tell him to ease up, he is stronger than he thinks, and he backs off. Does that sound like bad news to you?
I think that he wont stop drinking because I think he is afraid he will go crazy from all the things that are locked up in his mind from the war. Do you think thats why he wont go to AA? And would he have a break down if he stopped drinking?
I dont believe he is getting worse with his verbal abuse, I do believe he is trying harder to be kind, he has said he doesnt want to ruin us like he ruined his 30 yr marriage but I am going to take your advice and live a fuller life of my own and love him in the good times. I wont move out yet as I still have a drop or two of patience and hope left.
I stopped going to gatherings with him where there is drinking since I am the designated driver and he drinks to much and is a jerk to me all the way home. Now he rarely goes and drives home early and somewhat sober. I guess I am on the right track in some respects.
Thank you once again for taking time for me.
It is really a comfort to let off some steam to someone I dont know yet who understands. You have been a darling. I will keep your answers handy for a pep talk when I need some straight advice. Sincerly, Lisa
Answer Greetings again, Lisa.
You have written:
>> ... in the morning he will not remember a whole conversation we had.
>> Then he will say things to cover it up or make a joke of it.
>> Is he losing his mind to the alcohol?
Over time, that could possibly happen, and that is called Organic Brain Syndrome or “wet brain” or “alcoholic insanity” (similar to the loss of mind function in the late stages of syphilis) where his cucumber (brain) has been turned into a pickle. In that state, if he lives long enough to ever actually get there, he will be “mindless” and in need of being told to sit and eat and everything else.
However, the specific thing you have just asked about is called a “blackout” or “alcohol-induced amnesia” (my own term) where the record button in his mind had been temporarily disabled. He functioned as he normally would while intoxicated the night before, but no record was made in memory or will ever be recallable.
>> He had said that I don’t deserve to be spoken to badly and that he is sorry but I have learned over time that it will happen again eventually.
Yes, almost certainly so.
>> How can one apologize for something they don’t remember doing?
He knows right from wrong and he does not doubt your report of how he acted.
>> I am happy that you plainly said things will most likely never change ...
There is always a possibility he might decide he does not want to die drunk and to get help, and certainly we should all pray for that. However, I understand the thoughts and feelings behind his overall behaviour (even though I was never in combat in Viet Nam) and it seems many vets consciously remain there forever.
>> I know I can't fix him but I keep thinking if I love him enough he will feel it and he will not need to drink like this.
>> Is that an unrealistic idea?
Yes. Your love for him in combination with his loss of you *might* motivate him enough to at least “want to want” or “want to try” to do something about his drinking, but he will still end up right back with the bottle until his actual recovery from chronic alcoholism has taken place. Also, be very cautious here lest you get caught in an alcoholic’s revolving door between drunkenness and occasional periods of soon-to-be-gone-again sobriety. From “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:
“To get over drinking will require a transformation of thought and attitude.” (page 133)
If you like, you might read the chapter “To Wives” from here:
>> ... on occasion ... he will squeeze my head way to hard or pretend he is going to push on my temples really hard ...
Does that sound like bad news to you?
Yes. In the late ‘60s, he was trained to be a “lean, clean killing machine” and was not “deprogrammed” at the time of his discharge. So, that kind of thing is still “instinctual” within a man who is tough, hurting, angry and you–name-it all at once. In my own opinion, albeit non-professional, the danger for you there is that of a “mental overload” possibly causing a psychotic break. That would surprise me a bit here since he has apparently been relatively “stable” for all these years now, yet I do know what still sometimes lurks inside even my own mind.
>> I think that he won’t stop drinking because I think he is afraid he will go crazy from all the things that are locked up in his mind from the war.
You are absolutely correct there, and that is why I mentioned the need for a complete “transformation of thought and attitude” via spiritual means, and that includes dealing with all of that deeply-rooted pain and frustration.
>> Do you think [his fear of going crazy is] why he won’t go to AA?
>> And would he have a break down if he stopped drinking?
Yes, those are very real issues to be addressed. At the moment, he *knows* alcohol is “keeping him alive” or on this side of “the edge” (just as it did for me until I got help) even though he might also know it is slowly killing him.
>> I am going to take your advice and live a fuller life of my own and love him in the good times.
A bitter-sweet experience for each of you.
>> I stopped ... designated driver ...
>> I guess I am on the right track in some respects.
Yes. Do not try to stop his drinking, yet do absolutely nothing to enable it, cover for it or anything else.
>> I will keep your answers handy for a pep talk when I need some straight advice.
If he ever seems to be even *thinking* about getting help, please let me know. Today’s AA would likely be deadly for him, but I might be able to find someone near him who truly knows the deal and what to do ... and as I sit here in tears, oh, what a blessing it would be to be any part of that kind of help for a dear brother ...
Joseph Lee O.
leejosepho@hotmail.com
PS: Either send an email or ask a private question here if you might want my phone number, and I do not have caller ID and would only have access to your number if you were to leave a message on my voice mail.
