About Joseph Lee O. Expertise Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.
Experience The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
Question Hi Im am a 52 yr old woman living with my 59 year old boyfriend of 7 years. We have lived together 2 yrs.I knew he drank somewhat when we lived apart, I have a drink about once a month. He is a Vietnam vet who does not discuss it ever, he is an extreme control person when it comes to the smallest details, he drinks every evening after dinner to the point of turning into a different person. He is rude, sarcastic, negative and says hurtful things to me. In the morning he is sweet , kind, brings me coffee, packs my lunch for work, always saying I love you, and how attracted he is to me etc.
I am very confused. I daily contemplate leaving my Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde, yet I know he loves me and is hurting. He is a hardworking man with a perfect home yet I dont trust him not to turn on me in the evening. Im loosing my decision making skills I noticed, since one never knows if you are right or wrong or will say the wrong thing. I rented out my home to be here and I work full time too, sharing in the food and mortgage here. He keeps asking me to marry him and I told him he has to many issues and I dont think its a good idea.
Last Christmas I told him to go to AA and he said never, and that he is in control. He says I need to walk a mile in his shoes and then I would understand.
His adult children told me he was always like this and much worse. I feel like If I leave I will be killing him because I know he loves me and wants me here,But Im so exhausted from one minute to the next not knowing if he is the man I adore or a man I can not stand. Thank you for any help you can offer. Is there hope or am I a fool? Thanks so much.
Answer Greetings to you, Lisa.
I have a mental picture of your dilemma, and please allow me to comment as I again read through your letter ...
You have written:
>> He is a Vietnam vet who does not discuss it ever ...
I am also a 59-year-old vet.
>> He is an extreme control person when it comes to the smallest details ...
Same here, but not as unreasonably as in the past!
>> He drinks every evening after dinner to the point of turning into a different person ... rude, sarcastic, negative and says hurtful things to me.
The alcohol is releasing his high-character inhibitions that otherwise hold back the tremendous waves of tumult inside.
>> In the morning he is sweet, kind, brings me coffee, packs my lunch for work, always saying I love you, and how attracted he is to me etc.
That is real.
>> I am very confused.
Yes, and understandably so.
>> I know he loves me and is hurting.
Yes.
>> I don’t trust him not to turn on me in the evening.
I will comment on that at the end of this letter.
>> I’m loosing my decision-making skills I noticed, since one never knows if you are right or wrong or will say the wrong thing.
If I am hearing you correctly, that is more of a problem in the evening than in the morning? If so, and even though I am jumping ahead a bit here, you might consider second-shift work.
>> I rented out my home to be here ...
You might be better-off there while carefully having a safe-distance relationship, but I cannot say for sure about that from here.
>> He keeps asking me to marry him and I told him he has to many issues and I don’t think its a good idea.
I agree.
>> I told him to go to AA and he said never, and that he is in control.
>> He says I need to walk a mile in his shoes and then I would understand.
>> His adult children told me he was always like this and much worse.
If his hurtful behaviour toward you is *only* verbal and has *never* been physical and is *not* getting worse over time, you might be safe with him as long as you can understand he is likely never going to deal any differently with his past, and if you live your own life accordingly.
>> I feel like if I leave I will be killing him because I know he loves me and wants me here ...
Only you can decide whether you can handle remaining there with him for whatever reason or reasons of your own. But if your being there is largely sacrificial, as in more for him than for yourself, then you are going to need to pace things a bit and have good supportive and healthy fellowship alone with close friends and/or family in other settings.
>> I’m so exhausted from one minute to the next not knowing if he is the man I adore or a man I cannot stand.
He is both ... and I do not know what to add about that.
>> Is there hope or am I a fool?
If you were a fool, you would not be writing to someone and asking questions. But, neither would I say there is much hope of any significant change.
You had written:
>> I don’t trust him not to turn on me in the evening.
If he has *ever* been physically harmful to you, and even if only so much as being a little rough during intimacy, you might as well just get away right now. I know of another relationship (actually a marriage and) exactly like yours, and the woman ultimately had to leave for the sake of her own mental and emotional well-being as well as her immediate physical safety. But if he has *never* been physically harmful and his verbal abuse is *not* worsening, you *might* be safe there if you quietly and respectfully let him know you would like to let him have his drinking time to himself ... then possibly even sleep in a separate room during those times. If you *might* decide to do something like that, be quietly open and respectfully honest with him at a time when he is relaxed. He likely knows he sometimes disturbs you, and he might actually be relieved and even lighten up a bit if he knows you are not condemning him for anything.
I will gladly talk with you more, if you wish, so please know you are always welcomed to write.
