AboutDruideck Expertise All questions are important,
I have over 22 years of personal experience with alcoholism and recovery issues.
Advanced Counsellor Training / Experience with treatment and AA.
Experience Over 22 years of recovery from alcoholism.
Counsellor in an alcohol outpatient office.
Experience as client and as counsellor in treatment center.
Education/Credentials Advanced counsellor certificate,
Melbourne ORYGEN Research Centre volunteer consultant
I have learned a lot about alcoholism because of a long-term relationship I was in with my boyfriend who is an alcoholic. He is in his 50's and is a functioning alcoholic: no DUI, no jail, no loss of job(s), no health problems; no serious consequences of drinking! He's got issues that he won't deal with: abusive up-bringing, his Dad was an alcoholic and physically abusive to his Mother (and maybe to him), his ex-wife walked out on him and their son about 8 years ago.
I got to the point where I could not deal with the alcoholic behaviors anymore. I still love him, but I told him 2 weeks ago, "I love you very much, but I can not deal with you if you keep drinking". I read somewhere on this board that that was what I needed to tell him. I've been strong and haven't had any contact with him. I know he has to hit bottom and get sober for himself. I love him enough to back-off, hopefully raising his bottom.
He has contacted me via email saying only that he wants me. I assume he means sexually. He didn't say anything about AA, detox, etc.
My questions are: do I ignore this? do I respond? If so, what do I say? Is this just more of the "sucking-me-back- in" tactics?
It's like he hasn't heard anything I've said!
Thank you so much for the work you are doing and for any advice on how to handle this situation,
D.
ANSWER: Donna,
If you have a problem with your
boyfriend related to alcohol abuse
then that is a negative effect that
alcohol is having on his and your
life. Even if he appears to have few
other problems related to drinking
that is one definite problem he has.
It is not necessary to cut someone
off completely but it is true
that many alcoholics try to manipulate
people to get their way.
He may think if he sounds sorry enough
you will back down or believe his
promises to change.
People can change but it is rare
and difficult to do.
If he is truly addicted to alcohol
use then he has many months or years
of recovery ahead of him.
If he shows little or no interest in
changing his attitudes and behaviours
about drinking and life he will
have little chance of success.
It is recommended 90 days in AA
meetings for a starter.
If he won't do this to save his
relationship and the rest of his
life then it means he has decided
to drink instead of recover.
You can decide how long you will
accept his drinking or what
your options are.
Attending Al-Anon is helpful to
get support when living with an
active alcohol or a recovering
alcoholic.
Bear in mind that he will likely try to
"suck-you-back-in" as you say,
He is probably living in a fog
of denial which makes it hard
for him to see any problem
with himself.
He is thinking if I act nice enough
or sad enough she will come back
and we can repeat the past again.
Watch out for the hooks!
Stick to your plan for now.
Good luck!
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi,
Thank you very much for a fast answer.
He is admittedly an alcoholic. But, he thinks he's doing fine because he says he still has a job and he can pay his bills. So, those are the two gauges he uses.
I responded to his first email with, "stop drinking".
And, then I get another email from him saying that he didn't think I'd disagree that it was time for both of us to move on. "Seriously", he said. And, wished me peace, love and happiness from his heart. And, signed it, "your friend always".
I've been through this a LOT of times and I read this as
yet another attempt to, as you say, "hook" me back in; to get me to respond. And, if I get back in, the cycle repeats and continues on with him drinking and drinking.
So, what's the best way to deal with this type of manipulation? Any other insight?
Again, thank you for your help!
P.S.
That's interesting you said he might be in a fog. Several years ago, he made an attempt at sobriety. He stopped drinking for a short while and kept commenting that everything was so clear....colors, shapes, etc.
Answer Donna,
as I mentioned above he may try to tell you
things he thinks you want to hear or
things that prey on any fear of abandonment
you may have.
These are attempts to get you back into
the merry-go-round.
Let him know that being nice or mean or
staying/leaving will not help the situation.
What you want is a serious attempt by him
to attend AA and try to stop drinking.
If he wants to keep drinking then I guess he has
made a choice to live without you.
If you can not hold to these conditions then
he will likely drink if you return again.
Getting him to make some promises is not good enough.
He will drink again without support from AA
and a serious desire for sobriety from himself.
When an alcoholic makes a promise to stop
drinking he can not keep it as he is
addicted to alcohol and can only
quit for awhile on his own willpower.
To stay sober he needs AA support at the least.
Counselling and treatment can be beneficial too.
If you want to be with him he will either
get help or he will be drinking.
You have to decide which way you are willing
to accept things and stick with a plan that has teeth
to make things change.
He may leave for real if he is not ready to give
up the drinking or take the steps necessary to recover.
You must be prepared if you decide to hold fast
with your decision for any outcome.
The fog reference I made is based on my experience
with alcoholics. They often mention "waking up"
or "coming out of the fog" when sober awhile.
