AboutDruideck Expertise All questions are important,
I have over 22 years of personal experience with alcoholism and recovery issues.
Advanced Counsellor Training / Experience with treatment and AA.
Experience Over 22 years of recovery from alcoholism.
Counsellor in an alcohol outpatient office.
Experience as client and as counsellor in treatment center.
Education/Credentials Advanced counsellor certificate,
Melbourne ORYGEN Research Centre volunteer consultant
I have learned a lot about alcoholism because of a long-term relationship I was in with my boyfriend who is an alcoholic. He is in his 50's and is a functioning alcoholic: no DUI, no jail, no loss of job(s), no health problems; no serious consequences of drinking! He's got issues that he won't deal with: abusive up-bringing, his Dad was an alcoholic and physically abusive to his Mother (and maybe to him), his ex-wife walked out on him and their son about 8 years ago.
I got to the point where I could not deal with the alcoholic behaviors anymore. I still love him, but I told him 2 weeks ago, "I love you very much, but I can not deal with you if you keep drinking". I read somewhere on this board that that was what I needed to tell him. I've been strong and haven't had any contact with him. I know he has to hit bottom and get sober for himself. I love him enough to back-off, hopefully raising his bottom.
He has contacted me via email saying only that he wants me. I assume he means sexually. He didn't say anything about AA, detox, etc.
My questions are: do I ignore this? do I respond? If so, what do I say? Is this just more of the "sucking-me-back- in" tactics?
It's like he hasn't heard anything I've said!
Thank you so much for the work you are doing and for any advice on how to handle this situation,
D.
Answer Donna,
If you have a problem with your
boyfriend related to alcohol abuse
then that is a negative effect that
alcohol is having on his and your
life. Even if he appears to have few
other problems related to drinking
that is one definite problem he has.
It is not necessary to cut someone
off completely but it is true
that many alcoholics try to manipulate
people to get their way.
He may think if he sounds sorry enough
you will back down or believe his
promises to change.
People can change but it is rare
and difficult to do.
If he is truly addicted to alcohol
use then he has many months or years
of recovery ahead of him.
If he shows little or no interest in
changing his attitudes and behaviours
about drinking and life he will
have little chance of success.
It is recommended 90 days in AA
meetings for a starter.
If he won't do this to save his
relationship and the rest of his
life then it means he has decided
to drink instead of recover.
You can decide how long you will
accept his drinking or what
your options are.
Attending Al-Anon is helpful to
get support when living with an
active alcohol or a recovering
alcoholic.
Bear in mind that he will likely try to
"suck-you-back-in" as you say,
He is probably living in a fog
of denial which makes it hard
for him to see any problem
with himself.
He is thinking if I act nice enough
or sad enough she will come back
and we can repeat the past again.
Watch out for the hooks!
Stick to your plan for now.
