AboutAmarnath.B Expertise Helping build recovery in the lives of individuals, families and communities affected by alcoholism, drug dependency and related diseases.
Involved in counseling/rehabilitation.
Can answer any question on this subject.
Experience 8 Years of Counseling in chemical dependency.
Education/Credentials Graduate/Post Graduate
DLCAS Hazelden/Addiction Studies/Theory & Practice of Addiction Counseling/Dual Disorders.
HIV/AIDS & Substance Abuse.
Can answer any questions on Alcohol related problems.
I guess I am writing to gain some clarity on my situation, as it is a tricky one. I met my partner when I was 23 and he was 27. We have been together for 4 1/2 years, and for those first 3 years he was an active alcoholic. Many awful things happenned in that period as a result of his drinking, but we had so many things in common and lovely days in between his drinking and hangovers. We became engaged and planned our future together. I went to some AlAlon meetings and our life was a struggle. To cut a long story short, after hitting his rock bottom he got sober through AA. A few months after being in the program he came home one night and told me about all the infidelities he had made during the drinking (there were many). I un-engaged him but we remained living together and tried to rebuild our relationship. We have been to couple counselling over the last year, and I have felt my anger about the past fade away. I have now returned to my former self and have many friends, and am doing well at uni and work. I am very happy in my life, and wish that we could share our happiness together. He has been going to so many meetings, and spending 2 hours every morning meditating and praying. He no longer has any time for me, and only enjoys the company of people in AA. Now, we are spending some time apart because he needs to figure our whether he needs a relationship. He has thanked me for being there for him in the tough times. I know he doesn't owe me anything, and relationships should be mutual, but I can't help feeling that my loyalty has not been returned.
If we were to get back together, I just want to know how does a long term relationship with a sober alcoholic work? And should I go back to AlAnon to resolve my anger with him, even after we've broken up (There were no alcoholics in my family or childhood)?
Also, how can I avoid ever becoming an 'enabler' again.
Thanks Sincerely
Sarah
Answer Hello Sarah,
Thank you for your question and hope all is well with you.
Relationship issues in a dysfunctional alcoholic relationship is a very subjective one. I shall tell you a little bit about the Cycle of Addiction first.
The first thing is to understand the Cycle of Addiction in which you and your boyfriend are in and into which you have become entrapped probably consciously. By understanding that addiction is a physiological illness, based on chemical dependency, which then dominates and warps the psychology of the addict, one is better able to see that the addiction is solely an individual journey for that person. In an alcoholic relationship, the passive partner often suffers as much or more physically and psychologically as the alcoholics themselves. They can get caught up in the behavioral crises of alcoholics in ways which then affect their own behavior and physical and mental health. Poor communication and negative habits or schemes actually affects the other person and unconsciously he/she develops these negative patterns. Remember, Alcoholism is a progressive & fatal disease, and cannot be cured it can only be arrested by total abstinence. The disease however, will continue to grow.
Abstinence may be as hard or even harder than drinking for the alcoholic because it reveals so many problems that were obscured by the partner's focus on alcohol.
Once your loved one is sober and in recovery, you also need to understand the Cycle of Sobriety and the addict’s Sobriety Priority. This will help you to make sense of the decisions which he or she takes in everyday life. Moreover, as recovery progresses, you will find a new person emerging from the shell of addiction. This may be a wonderful and longed for thing. However, it can cause relationship problems also, as the person goes through changes, confusion, as well as mood swings, which are part of recovery. Possibly, you may find to your surprise that this ‘new person’ is not what you want or expected. In a perverse, unconscious way, you may even feel more secure with the old alcoholic you once knew. Unconsciously, you can contribute to undermining the person’s recovery, if you are not careful, or you may come to decide to separate from him or her. You will find that YOU also will begin to change as you become free of a direct relationship with an active alcoholic. You can begin to change and grow and find a ‘new person’ within yourself, with a clearer idea of your own needs and direction.
An alcoholic actually starts his life all over again when he gets into recovery and so relationships actually should take a back seat. He needs to change the person that was drinking or his “not drinking” will be temporary. However, in addiction relapse and death are an ever present threat, especially in the first few years. You cannot play a decisive influence in the outcome.
If your boyfriend has embraced the AA Program of Recovery vis-à-vis, he should now have started living his life the AA way. To live the AA way of life one needs to have Rigorous Honesty with oneself first and then to others. I think it was too early in his sobriety that he should have told you of his misadventures. If he did want to make amends with you then he must have thoroughly completed the self-cleansing 4th Step of the amazing life saving 12 Steps of Recovery. By completing the 4th and the 5th Step thoroughly he should have now become more clear in his mind and his perception of a relationship would have changed. I’m surprised by his negative approach to an already existing relationship wherein the passive partner vis-à-vis yourself, bore the maximum brunt of his addiction.
Sarah, l will reiterate again that the disease of alcoholism will continue to progress even after the alcoholic has kicked his habit. The only known way of continued abstinence is the AA way which is a life long journey. The working of the AA program is not a destination but a beginning of a lifelong journey. Since, you have become a co-dependent which is also an illness, your continued association with Al-Anon is imperative. The general focus of Al-Anon is getting free of the unnecessary pain and suffering that results from living with an alcoholic. Even if you decide to come out of this relationship you will have to continue your relationship with Al-Anon because you would have developed the traits of an alcoholic unconsciously during your 4-1/2 years of living with an alcoholic. By interacting with the members of Al-Anon you will learn how to deal with addicts in future by not being an ‘enabler' and not de-self yourself again. These traits have to be developed over a time and you will learn enough to be more proactive by attending these meetings. So, even if you come in contact with an alcoholic/addict in the future you would have enough ammunition against being an enabler.
Have you ever asked yourself if you are ready to start this relationship all over again now that he has stopped drinking? Do you realize that the top most priority in an alcoholic’s life is sobriety? Everything else is secondary. Don’t you think you have a life of your own? Don't just sit back and wait for things to get better. Take the initiative, let your boyfriend know what your needs are and make a commitment to change the pattern of your relationship. Many dysfunctional alcoholic relationships have blossomed into a beautiful union by both partners embracing the Program of Recovery as a way of life. I really do not know what your boyfriend has in mind. But if he wants out so be it. You have a long road ahead. I hope both of you make the right decision.
Sarah, I hope and pray things work out for you and your boyfriend. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions or concerns.
