AboutDruideck Expertise All questions are important,
I have over 22 years of personal experience with alcoholism and recovery issues.
Advanced Counsellor Training / Experience with treatment and AA.
Experience Over 22 years of recovery from alcoholism.
Counsellor in an alcohol outpatient office.
Experience as client and as counsellor in treatment center.
Education/Credentials Advanced counsellor certificate,
Melbourne ORYGEN Research Centre volunteer consultant
Question i have had a relationship with this woman for nine month. We drank together and have been friends since high school ( she is 35 , and i am 39) I never knew she had a drinking problem.I wasn't personally invested in her; she moved in with me after 2 months. after 7 it became apparent she was an alcoholic. previous to that we had a few arguments about her her behavior because of it. she joined AA and for 2 months she stuck to her plan. got a job, attended AA meetings regularly. I even quit drinking with her and allowed no more alcohol in the home. her kids, who live with their father came down to spend their summer with us. I live on a budgeted social security income, own my own home and i receive just enough to provide for myself and at the end of the month i have just a lil extra. her moving in was fine as long as she could support herself and take care of her kid's needs. she began to quit attending the meeting cause she wasn't feeling well. and within a few weeks stayed after work and was tempted to drink, and she did. about five in the am, she shows up a the house. the next morning we have a talk, she admits her mistake , apologizes and says she will try again but says she will not go back to work there because she doesn't feel strong enough to resist the urges. so for the next week she attends AA. the weekend rolls around , she goes to get cigarettes and doesn't come back for 7 hrs. she drives up. I know she's drunk but don't feel a confrontation is in order because she can't hold her head up. i clean her off take put her to bed. I put the food that she was going to cook back into the fridge. find something for the kids to eat. once they are taken care of, i go outside and write and contemplate throughout the evening and most of the night, how life is going to be with her if this is the scenario every time. (I didn't spend yrs to figure it out and i specifically warned her that the next time she did this she couldn't stay here any longer). the morning rolled around , she got up we had our coffee and i let her know I won't live like this and and her and her kids could move into her mother's home. I told her i would go still support her and encourage her, but as a friend and nothing more. She made excuses why it wasn't good for her to be at her moms ( many seem to be legitimate excuses) the last stage was the begging to stay and she wouldn't do it again, and she said she didn't want to lose me. The way i saw it she chose to lose me when she chose to drive to the beer store. so she finally had to pay a cost. she lost me as a boyfriend, and she lost her place of safety in my home. Not to mention the kids losing their place as well. It broke my heart but i wanted her to see just how much it had cost her this time. Her mothers home is no alcohol tolerance, demanding, and disciplined. The kids and her have a room there and food and their gandparents love them. Her mom will demand she has a job and will force her house rules upon her. I feel for her but i can't take her back and give her another chance just to let it happen again. being a recovering alcoholic with yrs under your belt, do you ever get to a place where it is not such a pull to drink, or does it never end. I am a big proponent of personal responsibility. I believe the alcoholic condition is hard to over come after the second drink, but the first is all choice isn't it? That is what i hold her accountable for , that initial choice to drive to the beer store. I love to see her happy and full of life but i can't stand to see her broken and defeated. she certainly means more to me than anything on this earth. Her love is genuine and selfless until temptation reaches it's apex. I told her i love her and am doing this because i do love her. I want her to stand on her own two feet, be self sufficient, and responsible for her actions. she has many goals, but pursuance of them doesn't last very long. inconsistency is her pattern. I can't give myself fully to her while she continues to live this way. If she does say enough is enough and stays with her plan , attends AA and gets a job, and really works out her sobriety, how would i know if it wouldn't all come crashing down with the next drink. Isn't that always going to be a factor in her relationships. I may not be such a good man after all and my love for her is superficial because i won't endure that kind of relationship. I have chosen to be her friend though, i am here to talk with hang out with, encourage , and help in any way just short of cleaning up messes that she may find herself in due to her decisions, and i know that when she hangs out with me she will not be drinking. I just don't have to be so personally impacted anymore. I like that , I can live with that, but is that going to be helpful to her or am i still allowing a safety line to be hanging out there? your advice will be much, much appreciated
Answer Good day,
I will start by saying you are doing well
as far as being aware of her drinking
problem and trying to cope the best you
can.
A few points that might help
are:
As an alcoholic she is addicted to alcohol,
this means she has lost the power of choice
at this point. She has to attend AA and
start taking it seriously as the treatment
for her illness. No excuses will work
as she will always drink again until
the "program" sinks in.
You are doing well with trying to let
her experience the consequences of her
drinking and behaviour.
This is important as she will tend to
lean on anyone that will make it
possible for her to keep drinking.
It is hard to feel loving when taking
such a firm approach to helping her.
It looks unkind but may save her life.
Alcoholics have a very strong complusion
to drink and their mind plays tricks
to make them pick up the first drink.
AA helps to eventually reduce or
eliminate that compulsion.
She has to put AA meetings in place
of the time she has these cravings
for alcohol.
If she won't make the effort to recover
then you are faced with a repetition
of the past events.
Her sobriety must come first
as she will need all her energy to
resist drinking if she is serious.
Have some compassion as the cravings are
intolerable and she can only choose
to attend AA and read the big book
of AA though and through until
she has a change in attitudes and
behaviours. This is a long process
and she may fall down at first.
She has to give up all the excuses to
recover. There is no easy way out.
If she fails to attend AA then she may
not be ready to do what it takes
to stop drinking.
This is unfortunate, you must then decide
how to pull back so you can live your own
life happily with or without her.
I have no simple plan for you but write
back if you need clarification on anything.
