Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 6/2/2009

Question
Hi,

I was married for 13 years and dated very little before that.  I divorced him after years of marriage counseling and after he led the family dog to his death.  I believe he was what one might call a high functioning acting out borderline.  I met a kind hearted highly intelligent handsome self-sufficient man on the Internet.  He was wonderful in bed, attentive, and appeared to want all of the things in life that I want.  In short, we share a very similar vision.  Problem:  binges on the weekends until he is vomiting and smelling of sour wine.  He has between 6 and 10 alcoholic drinks on the days I see him, not sure how many on the days I don't.  He takes blood pressure meds and antidepressants and still drinks excessively.  He has repeatedly stated he is going to work on his problem.  I have a school age child who has already suffered with his parents divorce.  I owe him and myself more.  I love this man but I left him after just two months and told him not to contact me.  Did I make a mistake?

Answer
Greetings to you, Sarah.

First, here is an excerpt from “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:

“Here is the fellow who has been puzzling you, especially in his lack of control.  He does absurd, incredible, tragic things while drinking.  He is a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  He is seldom mildly intoxicated.  He is always more or less insanely drunk.  His disposition while drinking resembles his normal nature but little.  He may be one of the finest fellows in the world.  Yet let him drink for a day, and he frequently becomes disgustingly, and even dangerously anti-social.  He has a positive genius for getting tight at exactly the wrong moment, particularly when some important decision must be made or engagement kept.  He is often perfectly sensible and well balanced concerning everything except liquor, but in that respect he is incredibly dishonest and selfish.  He often possesses special abilities, skills, and aptitudes, and has a promising career ahead of him.  He uses his gifts to build up a bright outlook for his family and himself, and then pulls the structure down on his head by a senseless series of sprees.  He is the fellow who goes to bed so intoxicated he ought to sleep the clock around.  Yet early next morning he searches madly for the bottle he misplaced the night before.” (pages 21-22)

In my own opinion, you have definitely made a right, sane and wise change in your life by putting such a man out of it altogether.

You have written:

>> He has repeatedly stated he is going to work on his problem.

If you wish, it could be safe to let him know he might again give you a call a year or two *after* he has permanently recovered from whatever kind of alcohol-related problem he might have.  Do not try to diagnose him or suggest any kind of treatment or solution, and certainly do not give him “another chance” as he is.  Rather, just let him know you can only enjoy healthy living, even with him.

>> I love this man but I left him after just two months and told him not to contact me.  Did I make a mistake?

Again, no, and it is fine if you want to leave everything right where it now stands.

Please know you are always welcomed to write!

Joseph Lee O.