Expert: Beverley Glazer - 6/19/2009

Question
Here is a quick background on my situation: I am 25 and have been in a serious relationship with my 26 year old boyfriend for the past year. At first it was almost too good to be true and we fell in love and moved in together after 5 months of dating. I knew he had a history of partying, drinking and cocaine use and it was not until we moved in together that i realised that he was drinking every day and using cacaine a couple times (that i was able to tell). I continued to live with him for the next 4 monts and it was bitter sweet. He was everything i ever wanted in a partner when he was sober and a verbally/emotionally abusive monster when he was under the influence. It got to the point that he would be sober only one or two days out of the week and the neighbours called the police 5 times in one month alone out of concern for my safety because they would hear arguing and me crying on an almost daily basis. I left him after he hit me but went back one week later because he promised to make changes and "cut down" to drinking only on the weekends and promised not to do cocaine. He kept his promise for 3 days and then resumed his daily drinking. A month passed and things got worse between us and I once again moved out and got my own place a week ago. Here is my dilema: How do i let go and move on when he tells me that he loves me, wants to marry me, says he is sorry for all the pain he has caused BUT he says he can't stop drinking. He says that a real woman would have stayed and says that i ended the relationship. I left to escape the daily madness that has become our life with the hopes that by me moving out he will come to realise how serious his drinking problem is and stop and we could once again be happy. Based on your experience does this sound like a hopless case? What can i expect from his behaviour? should i give up hope and move on?

Answer
Hi Monica,

The problem is that you're with a guy who says that he loves you, but he's an alcoholic, so his first love is the drink.

He's also intimidating you by telling you that 'a real woman would stay' and yada yada....but he's not saying that he'll do something about changing himself. Tell him that he's got to stop drinking. Give him the numbers to the AA meetings in your neighborhood and demand that he goes.

If he doesn't change, you must realize that you're in an abusive relationship:
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/abusive-relationship.html

An abusive relationship will only get worse so you must not tolerate it. Tell him to get help, or you will have to move on.

Not easy, but it will have to be done,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

I hope this information is helpful.

Best of luck

Bev

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com