AboutDruideck Expertise All questions are important,
I have over 22 years of personal experience with alcoholism and recovery issues.
Advanced Counsellor Training / Experience with treatment and AA.
Experience Over 22 years of recovery from alcoholism.
Counsellor in an alcohol outpatient office.
Experience as client and as counsellor in treatment center.
Education/Credentials Advanced counsellor certificate,
Melbourne ORYGEN Research Centre volunteer consultant
Question I dated this woman for three years and always suspected she was an alcoholic. Every time I confronted her she got defensive and drank behind my back for a little while, and then back in the open again. I loved her very much and spent many a sleepless night wondering what her rock bottom would be. She is 38 and a single mother of a 10 year old boy. The other night we went to a friend's B-day party. There were a lot of people there (at least 50) and she got very drunk and ended up making out with a guy she just met. I know because I caught them in the bathroom. I told her we were finished and left the party. The next day I saw her with some friends and yelled some very mean things at her. I later found out from a friend that while she admits that the make out session happened, she does not fully remember what happened and therefore does not really feel responsible for it. Since I was sober all night, the events are seared in my mind. Even though I have no plans of making up with her, should I send her an email and recount the nights events to her? She probably doesn't want to hear it, but my thought is if she know the facts and that her drinking caused it, maybe she will acknowledge that she has a problem.
Answer Brian,
I can understand your feelings toward
this incident with your ex.
If you both have no intension
of resuming the relationship
now then it is not necessary for
you to involve yourself any furthur
with her.
That includes emails or any other contact.
I know you feel like her drinking caused
this but as you say it still happened
and she is responsible for her behaviour
drinking or not. But again I caution
you against your urge to get involved
with her in any way. She is very likely
an alcoholic with many years of
tough recovery to go through if
she seeks help.
We cannot change other people,
any relationship with an active
alcoholic is doomed to fail.
Alcoholics go through a downward spiral
that affects them mentally, physically,
emotionally and spiritually.
Her outrageous behaviours may even
worsen over time.
Your desire to be involved with
her now may be seen as an addictive illness in
itself.
This is relationship addiction or
"loving too much" as it is sometimes
referred to in Robin Norwood's great books.
Our need to recreate trauma and then overcome
it may be some part of the roots of wanting
to "fix" this woman.
We always want to have things work out
and when they don't we try even harder.
This can make life miserable as usually
things only get worse when we meddle
in other people's lives.
My advise is to question your urge
to email or any other urge to contact
her. What are you trying to
accomplish? Is it to force her into understanding
how wrong she was or are you really trying
to help her with no other hidden motives?
Self-examination will reveal your true
desires and motives.
Working on yourself instead of her will
pay the dividend of attracting healthier
relationships with honest women in the future.
