AboutClyde Expertise I can answer questions on the recovery from alcohol addiction as I am a recovering alcoholic with 15 years of sobriety. I can also address the spiritual aspects of the 12-Step program as I have a Master of Divinity degree and serve as a pastor for the Quaker church.
Experience I am a recovering alcoholic with 15 years of continuous sobriety.
Education/Credentials Master of Divinity awarded in 2000 from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary
Question i have had a relationship with this woman for nine month. We drank together and have been friends since high school ( she is 35 , and i am 39) I never knew she had a drinking problem.I wasn't personally invested in her; she moved in with me after 2 months. after 7 it became apparent she was an alcoholic. previous to that we had a few arguments about her her behavior because of it. she joined AA and for 2 months she stuck to her plan. got a job, attended AA meetings regularly. I even quit drinking with her and allowed no more alcohol in the home. her kids, who live with their father came down to spend their summer with us. I live on a budgeted social security income, own my own home and i receive just enough to provide for myself and at the end of the month i have just a lil extra. her moving in was fine as long as she could support herself and take care of her kid's needs. she began to quit attending the meeting cause she wasn't feeling well. and within a few weeks stayed after work and was tempted to drink, and she did. about five in the am, she shows up a the house. the next morning we have a talk, she admits her mistake , apologizes and says she will try again but says she will not go back to work there because she doesn't feel strong enough to resist the urges. so for the next week she attends AA. the weekend rolls around , she goes to get cigarettes and doesn't come back for 7 hrs. she drives up. I know she's drunk but don't feel a confrontation is in order because she can't hold her head up. i clean her off take put her to bed. I put the food that she was going to cook back into the fridge. find something for the kids to eat. once they are taken care of, i go outside and write and contemplate throughout the evening and most of the night, how life is going to be with her if this is the scenario every time. (I didn't spend yrs to figure it out and i specifically warned her that the next time she did this she couldn't stay here any longer). the morning rolled around , she got up we had our coffee and i let her know I won't live like this and and her and her kids could move into her mother's home. I told her i would go still support her and encourage her, but as a friend and nothing more. She made excuses why it wasn't good for her to be at her moms ( many seem to be legitimate excuses) the last stage was the begging to stay and she wouldn't do it again, and she said she didn't want to lose me. The way i saw it she chose to lose me when she chose to drive to the beer store. so she finally had to pay a cost. she lost me as a boyfriend, and she lost her place of safety in my home. Not to mention the kids losing their place as well. It broke my heart but i wanted her to see just how much it had cost her this time. Her mothers home is no alcohol tolerance, demanding, and disciplined. The kids and her have a room there and food and their gandparents love them. Her mom will demand she has a job and will force her house rules upon her. I feel for her but i can't take her back and give her another chance just to let it happen again. being a recovering alcoholic with yrs under your belt, do you ever get to a place where it is not such a pull to drink, or does it never end. I am a big proponent of personal responsibility. I believe the alcoholic condition is hard to over come after the second drink, but the first is all choice isn't it? That is what i hold her accountable for , that initial choice to drive to the beer store. I love to see her happy and full of life but i can't stand to see her broken and defeated. she certainly means more to me than anything on this earth. Her love is genuine and selfless until temptation reaches it's apex. I told her i love her and am doing this because i do love her. I want her to stand on her own two feet, be self sufficient, and responsible for her actions. she has many goals, but pursuance of them doesn't last very long. inconsistency is her pattern. I can't give myself fully to her while she continues to live this way. If she does say enough is enough and stays with her plan , attends AA and gets a job, and really works out her sobriety, how would i know if it wouldn't all come crashing down with the next drink. Isn't that always going to be a factor in her relationships. I may not be such a good man after all and my love for her is superficial because i won't endure that kind of relationship. I have chosen to be her friend though, i am here to talk with hang out with, encourage , and help in any way just short of cleaning up messes that she may find herself in due to her decisions, and i know that when she hangs out with me she will not be drinking. I just don't have to be so personally impacted anymore. I like that , I can live with that, but is that going to be helpful to her or am i still allowing a safety line to be hanging out there? your advice will be much, much appreciated
Answer Ory,
Thank you for your questions and the details of the situation.
The answer the the first question is "yes", we do find that the drink is no longer a "pull" when we have some time under our belt. The difference in a successful recovery and a person who is always going in and out of sobriety is exactly as you have described - responsible to themselves for their own well-being and continued abstinence from drink.
Once a person really gives into the understanding that they can not safely imbibe in any sort of alcoholic materials , be that drink or food preparation such as sauces or liquors, baking goods such as extracts etc., they are on the course to a life-long commitment to their new life. Until then, there is not much hope.
Now, how to get there..... well, we must "hit our bottom" which means that our drinking results in enough consequences that we finally take notice of the losses and say to ourselves, "I want that back or I do not like what is happening or about to happen, etc." Then we are able to say to something out there (some Higher Power other than alcohol because it has become our god) that we need help and we will do anything to get and stay sober. If a person can reach this point then there is a chance. Unfortunately, many people do not get there soon enough and they die a drunk. Sad but true.
This is why we say in recovery that "enablers" must be removed from the lives of the recovering person. Any help is usually perceived by the still-drinking alcoholic as a necessary part of their lives and they have found the ways to manipulate those persons to always be there in times of need.
This gets to your second question as to whether you'll still be doing too much... well, probably so. You'll need to really assess what you are getting out of the relationship that is actually hurting them. You may enjoy their company, have sexual needs they fulfill, have other selfish needs that they fulfill for which you are not being honest (money, generosity, service, other relationships which come along with them, etc.) If your honest assessment shows that you are in the relationship for the right reasons and you limit your involvement in their personal lives you might be OK. The children present an especially difficult issue as you probably have love in your heart for them and want to protect them all you can but ultimately you are not responsible for them. A mother must learn to take that role seriously and having love for alcohol above love for one's children is not showing a mother has learned much about that responsibility.
I hope this helps and if I can be of any further help please write again.
