AboutBeverley Glazer Expertise I can answer questions on all addictive behaviors: alcohol, drugs, food, compulsive sex, codependency, gambling, compulsive shoplifting etc.
Experience I have over 20 years experience working in the addiction field. My experience extends to all levels of substance abuse. I've worked in rehabs and detox centers, prisons and half-way houses and have a busy private practice as well as an active website where I can be reached for recovery coaching and consultation. I am a cognitive behavioral therapist, but 12-step programs are an excellent support. When working in the addiction field, there is no cookie-cutter solution. In the recovery field, you witness miracles. That's why I love what I do.
Organizations NAADAC The Association for Addiction Professionals, CACCF Canadian Addiction Counselors Federation, CCA Canadian Counseling Association,
For more information please see: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com
Education/Credentials BA Psychology, MA Counseling Psychology, ICADC International Alcohol and Drug Counselor, ICAC International Clinical Addiction Counselor,
CGC Certified Gambling Counselor.
Question i have had a relationship with this woman for nine month. We drank together and have been friends since high school ( she is 35 , and i am 39) I never knew she had a drinking problem.I wasn't personally invested in her; she moved in with me after 2 months. after 7 it became apparent she was an alcoholic. previous to that we had a few arguments about her her behavior because of it. she joined AA and for 2 months she stuck to her plan. got a job, attended AA meetings regularly. I even quit drinking with her and allowed no more alcohol in the home. her kids, who live with their father came down to spend their summer with us. I live on a budgeted social security income, own my own home and i receive just enough to provide for myself and at the end of the month i have just a lil extra. her moving in was fine as long as she could support herself and take care of her kid's needs. she began to quit attending the meeting cause she wasn't feeling well. and within a few weeks stayed after work and was tempted to drink, and she did. about five in the am, she shows up a the house. the next morning we have a talk, she admits her mistake , apologizes and says she will try again but says she will not go back to work there because she doesn't feel strong enough to resist the urges. so for the next week she attends AA. the weekend rolls around , she goes to get cigarettes and doesn't come back for 7 hrs. she drives up. I know she's drunk but don't feel a confrontation is in order because she can't hold her head up. i clean her off take put her to bed. I put the food that she was going to cook back into the fridge. find something for the kids to eat. once they are taken care of, i go outside and write and contemplate throughout the evening and most of the night, how life is going to be with her if this is the scenario every time. (I didn't spend yrs to figure it out and i specifically warned her that the next time she did this she couldn't stay here any longer). the morning rolled around , she got up we had our coffee and i let her know I won't live like this and and her and her kids could move into her mother's home. I told her i would go still support her and encourage her, but as a friend and nothing more. She made excuses why it wasn't good for her to be at her moms ( many seem to be legitimate excuses) the last stage was the begging to stay and she wouldn't do it again, and she said she didn't want to lose me. The way i saw it she chose to lose me when she chose to drive to the beer store. so she finally had to pay a cost. she lost me as a boyfriend, and she lost her place of safety in my home. Not to mention the kids losing their place as well. It broke my heart but i wanted her to see just how much it had cost her this time. Her mothers home is no alcohol tolerance, demanding, and disciplined. The kids and her have a room there and food and their gandparents love them. Her mom will demand she has a job and will force her house rules upon her. I feel for her but i can't take her back and give her another chance just to let it happen again. being a recovering alcoholic with yrs under your belt, do you ever get to a place where it is not such a pull to drink, or does it never end. I am a big proponent of personal responsibility. I believe the alcoholic condition is hard to over come after the second drink, but the first is all choice isn't it? That is what i hold her accountable for , that initial choice to drive to the beer store. I love to see her happy and full of life but i can't stand to see her broken and defeated. she certainly means more to me than anything on this earth. Her love is genuine and selfless until temptation reaches it's apex. I told her i love her and am doing this because i do love her. I want her to stand on her own two feet, be self sufficient, and responsible for her actions. she has many goals, but pursuance of them doesn't last very long. inconsistency is her pattern. I can't give myself fully to her while she continues to live this way. If she does say enough is enough and stays with her plan , attends AA and gets a job, and really works out her sobriety, how would i know if it wouldn't all come crashing down with the next drink. Isn't that always going to be a factor in her relationships. I may not be such a good man after all and my love for her is superficial because i won't endure that kind of relationship. I have chosen to be her friend though, i am here to talk with hang out with, encourage , and help in any way just short of cleaning up messes that she may find herself in due to her decisions, and i know that when she hangs out with me she will not be drinking. I just don't have to be so personally impacted anymore. I like that , I can live with that, but is that going to be helpful to her or am i still allowing a safety line to be hanging out there? your advice will be much, much appreciated
Answer Hi Orie,
What you've done was not easy, but be assured that it was the right thing to do. No one can stop an alcoholic from drinking. They have to do it themselves. And they also have to realize that they have a lot to lose if they don't stop drinking.
If she was living in your house, not only would you be driven crazy, but you would be enabling her to keep on drinking. Now, the responsibility is hers.
She should attend AA meetings and take care of her sobriety. But she also must get herself a sponsor, so she can reach out when the going gets tough. A sponsor will also help her to work the 12 steps.
Working with the 12 steps is very important. It will help her to stay deal with the other areas in her life that trigger drinking.
If she follows the AA program and you see improvement for a minimum of a year, then you can change your living arrangement. Until then, you'll have to do what best for yourself.
