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Addiction to Alcohol/Will this help or mare it worse

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Expert: - 6/11/2009


Question
I dated this woman for three years and always suspected she was an alcoholic. Every time I confronted her she got defensive and drank behind my back for a little while, and then back in the open again. I loved her very much and spent many a sleepless night wondering what her rock bottom would be. She is 38 and a single mother of a 10 year old boy. The other night we went to a friend's B-day party. There were a lot of people there (at least 50) and she got very drunk and ended up making out with a guy she just met. I know because I caught them in the bathroom. I told her we were finished and left the party. The next day I saw her with some friends and yelled some very mean things at her. I later found out from a friend that while she admits that the make out session happened, she does not fully remember what happened and therefore does not really feel responsible for it. Since I was sober all night, the events are seared in my mind. Even though I have no plans of making up with her, should I send her an email and recount the nights events to her? She probably doesn't want to hear it, but my thought is if she know the facts and that her drinking caused it, maybe she will acknowledge that she has a problem.


Answer
Hi Brian,

You're right.

Your girlfriend of three years is an alcoholic, but she's in denial.  Not all alcoholics have to reach a bottom to turn their lives around. They just have to see that their lives are out of control and take responsibility for it.

The fact that she does not take responsibility for her behavior and justifies it, saying she was not sober is the key. She's not there - and may never get there.

You're also right not to continue a relationship with this woman, because you'll end up trying to 'fix her' and question your own self-worth. Most alcoholics get into codependent relationships:

http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/codependency_relationship.html

Don't bother giving her the facts on the night's events. She will just be angry. If you want to tell her anything, tell her that because of her behavior, you realize that she's and alcoholic and she has to shape up - and right now, you're moving on.

Good luck!

Thank you for asking AllExperts

Beverley Glazer MA ICADC
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

Addiction to Alcohol

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Beverley Glazer

Expertise

I can answer questions on all addictive behaviors: alcohol, drugs, food, compulsive sex, codependency, gambling, compulsive shoplifting etc.

Experience

I have over 20 years experience working in the addiction field. My experience extends to all levels of substance abuse. I've worked in rehabs and detox centers, prisons and half-way houses and have a busy private practice as well as an active website where I can be reached for recovery coaching and consultation. I am a cognitive behavioral therapist, but 12-step programs are an excellent support. When working in the addiction field, there is no cookie-cutter solution. In the recovery field, you witness miracles. That's why I love what I do.

Organizations
NAADAC The Association for Addiction Professionals, CACCF Canadian Addiction Counselors Federation, CCA Canadian Counseling Association, For more information please see: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

Education/Credentials
BA Psychology, MA Counseling Psychology, ICADC International Alcohol and Drug Counselor, ICAC International Clinical Addiction Counselor, CGC Certified Gambling Counselor.

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