Expert: Clyde - 6/11/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello.  I am engaged to a 38-year-old alcoholic who was 3 years sober when we met.  About a year ago, after we had been together almost 2 years, he relapsed.  Since then he has been in two mental institutions, 6-month inpatient treatment, we have gone to church (I am Catholic; he is "nothing" but does belive in God), seen doctors who specialize in treatment of alcoholism, spent time with his AA sponsor, attended AA and Alanon, done a lot of reading, gone to therapists, tried mental health medication, etc.  Two months ago he was in the ICU for the 5th time, and almost died.  His brain has lesions and has shrunk in overall size.  His ability to speak is affected by brain damage.  His liver is in crisis.  Some days the brain damage from alcoholism is so bad that he doesn't remember who he is or where he is, and he pannicks.  This happens when he has not even been drinking.  I have tried to have him committed to a mental health institution after he almost set the house on fire, but they did not deem that he was "homicidal or suicidal," and therefore in the State of Nevada, I am left to work full-time while caring for him on my own with no support (friends and family want me to leave him in the street to die).  I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  Last night I found a pawn ticket for my missing wedding ring.  He pawned it to buy alcohol.  It seems that every system I have tried has failed me, and I don't know why he will not stop drinking.  He is going to die very soon if this does not stop.  PLEASE HELP!!

ANSWER: Darcy,
   Thank you for contacting me about this serious and sad situation.  I feel your pain and I know how hard it is to watch someone self-destructing from the disease of alcoholism.  My heart goes out to you.

   You do not say what the professionals have shared with you about his drinking and the mental state in which he lives as regards the alcoholism.  But it sounds to me as if he is one of those persons who we say are "constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves."  Our Big Book continues,   "There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest."

    Unfortunately many alcoholics die from this disease and will never know a sober life.  They die with a "wet brain."  I am not sure whether this relates to the atrophy of his brain which you have described.

     Here is what one of the most notable psychological genius's had to say about alcoholism.  he was Carl Jung.  This is a letter he sent to one of our Founders, Bill Wilson....

Dear Mr. W.
Your letter has been very welcome indeed.

I had no news from Rowland H. anymore and often wondered what has been his fate. Our conversation which he has adequately reported to you had an aspect of which he did not know. The reason that I could not tell him everything was that those days I had to be exceedingly careful of what I said. I had found out that I was misunderstood in every possible way. Thus I was very careful when I talked to Rowland H. But what I really thought about was the result of many experiences with men of his kind.

His craving for alcohol was the equivalent, on a low level, of the spiritual thirst of our being for wholeness, expressed in medieval language: the union with God.*

How could one formulate such an insight in a language that is not misunderstood in our days?

The only right and legitimate way to such an experience is that it happens to you in reality and it can only happen to you when you walk on a path which leads you to higher understanding. You might be led to that goal by an act of grace or through a personal and honest contact with friends, or through a higher education of the mind beyond the confines of mere rationalism. I see from your letter that Rowland H. has chosen the second way, which was, under the circumstances, obviously the best one.

I am strongly convinced that the evil principle prevailing in this world leads the unrecognized spiritual need into perdition, if it is not counteracted either by real religious insight or by the protective wall of human community. An ordinary man, not protected by an action from above and isolated in society, cannot resist the power of evil, which is called very aptly the Devil. But the use of such words arouses so many mistakes that one can only keep aloof from them as much as possible.

These are the reasons why I could not give a full and sufficient explanation to Rowland H., but I am risking it with you because I conclude from your very decent and honest letter that you have acquired a point of view above the misleading platitudes one usually hears about alcoholism.

You see, "alcohol" in Latin is "spiritus" and you use the same word for the highest religious experience as well as for the most depraving poison. The helpful formula therefore is: spiritus contra spiritum.

Thanking you again for your kind letter

I remain

Yours sincerely

C. G. Jung*

"As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God." (Psalms 42:1)

  I share this with you to convey the deep belief that I have that says that only a spiritual experience will relieve the alcoholic cravings and the mental obsession.

   You indicate in the beginning of your letter that you are engaged and continue to say that he has pawned your wedding ring... I am unclear on your marital status... Well, this is the side of me as regards to covenants such as marriage...  when I make a vow to stay with someone "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health", that would include the traumatic life of alcoholism.  I do not say that you are doomed to this life and must stay, I am only encouraging you by my understanding of vows and what they mean between me and my God.  I am divorced (twice) but I asked for neither of these to take place.  I have no control over others and their decisions so someone else chose to leave.

   As my God walks with me each day, I ask "what do you require of me today, Lord?  Who will you place in my life and how might I serve you by being present to them?  What is your next right step for me?
And the 11th step says that "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

   I can not tell you what to do but I hope that these words might offer you some solace and quiet in this tumultuous time today. I know how frustrating it must be.

   Please write again if I may be of nay further help and you and your friend will be in my prayers that a miracle may take place in his life.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Clyde,

I wanted to thank you for your gracious response.  And to clarify that we are engaged, but he keeps his wedding ring and mine in a special place for the day that we are married.  I wear only the engagement portion.  I have postponed the wedding because I wanted him to find a spiritual path - I was hoping become a Catholic like me - and we could be married in a Church.  He has recently refused to go to Mass.  I brought him to the church once when he was intoxicated and the church was empty, and I asked him to just sit with me and pray.  He told me that he felt as though God and his dead mother were in that church, judging him, looking at him as a horrible person, and that he is going to hell.  He told me last week he believes in God but doesn't trust or like Him anymore.

I know that I cannot force him to pray again, or to trust again.

I know only that I left him once, and 6 months later an
EMT from an ambulance called me - he had been found on the street dirty, starving, intoxicated, talking to himself, and on the brink of death.

I brought him home again after that.  I love him more than life itself.

I guess maybe sometimes there simply are no answers.

Your response has comforted my soul - thank you!!

Darcy

Answer
Darcy,
    Thank you for the kind words and the follow-up clarifications.  That is helpful.

    My hopes for him are especially heightened knowing that he has shared with you the central crux of his dilemma - he thinks God and his mother are judging him and he is doomed to hell.  Nothing could be further from the truth, but only you and I know that of the three persons in this situation.  I pray that he will come to the place of absolute surrender to a God "of his understanding."  This is the central reason Dr. Bob and Mr. Bill chose to use this terminology as they knew so many people were hurt by the concepts of God that they had been raised believing.  

    If he bought into AA before (strongly and devoutly) perhaps you could suggest that he develop a concept of God that is not judgmental and who loves him instead of condemning him.

    The fourth step will allow him to wrestle with the ghost of his mother and put away the judgement from her.  But only he can do this.  If he did not do a thorough fourth step (and he most likely did not knowing that his mother's memory haunts him), perhaps he can be convinced to do some more work strictly on that relationship and get to the core of the hurt. Something about his relationship with his mother has troubled him greatly for a very long time.

    I see great hope in your situation.  There is a very definite glimmer showing.  Let us see what God will do as we continue to lift him up in prayer.  I hope this offers you some peace that all is not hopeless - we must remain faithful to the power of God "as you and I understand Him!"

    Thanks again for follow-up.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde