Expert: Druideck - 6/4/2009

Question
I am mostly a nondrinker. When I met my husband, 34 years ago, he openly said that he had had a drinking problem in the past but had stopped drinking altogether. He felt he drank to escape from an unhappy marriage and, now that he was divorced, was ok. For twenty five years he did not drink. Then on our anniversary cruise, he decided that he could drink. I was hesitant but he did not drink to excess and felt he could now drink socially.
 We have had a wonderful marriage.However I hate him drinking! He knows this and has been careful in only having one or two drinks tops at any function. We have has a very stressful five years. Now I find that he has been drinking with his friends and sometimes alone in his garage.He never gets drunk but it is evident in his mannerisms.
He knows how much I hate his drinking. And I do believe that it is escalating. He thinks he is 65 and can drink when he wants. And he thinks that I am so against drinking that I blow things out of proportion.
 I am being torn apart with worrying to the point that I am considering giving him an ultimatum. Stop or the marriage is over.
So the question is, do I have the right to ask him to stop drinking or am I being paranoid?

Answer
Judy,

you say he admitted he had a drinking problem
when you met, this would indicate that your
worries now may have some foundation in the past.

Problem drinkers are usually in denial
so it is not odd for him to project
the problem toward you.
Afterall that is what he did in his first
marriage when he drank, he said it was
the marriage that made him drink.

He is obviously avoiding his responsibilies
towards himself and you because he already
admitted that drinking caused him
problems in the past.

All this being said you cannot
really change another person
for long. You may ask yourself
why drinking is so bothersome
to you. What do you fear will happen?
If he has a problem it will certainly
escalate. If not he will drink as
he decides to do.

If you really hate the effects it has
on him your choices are to explain
carefully to him how it is affecting you.
Ask him to quit or make some other
arrangements suitable to you both.

Explain that if you find it intolerable
you may have to find another place to live
out of respect for your own feelings.

If alcohol is more important than you
are to him he is either in the grips
of a serious alcohol problem
or he cares more about drinking than a
relationship right now.

If his drinking is no real problem
then you must decide if you can
tolerate it or not.

Try to discuss it rather than make
threats to leave if possible.
Each fearful word can build into
more fear and pretty soon you
will both feel misunderstood.

Take care!