AboutRebos Expertise If you think that you or someone that you care about is having a problem with alcohol, ask me a question, I may be able to help you. I have over 39 years of experience dealing with alcohol recovery and I am willing to share that experience with you. Alcoholism is a disease, and there is no shame in being an alcoholic. The shame is in doing nothing about it!
Experience Over 39years of experience in the field of alcoholism and alcoholic recovery.
Question i have had a relationship with this woman for nine month. We drank together and have been friends since high school ( she is 35 , and i am 39) I never knew she had a drinking problem.I wasn't personally invested in her; she moved in with me after 2 months. after 7 it became apparent she was an alcoholic. previous to that we had a few arguments about her her behavior because of it. she joined AA and for 2 months she stuck to her plan. got a job, attended AA meetings regularly. I even quit drinking with her and allowed no more alcohol in the home. her kids, who live with their father came down to spend their summer with us. I live on a budgeted social security income, own my own home and i receive just enough to provide for myself and at the end of the month i have just a lil extra. her moving in was fine as long as she could support herself and take care of her kid's needs. she began to quit attending the meeting cause she wasn't feeling well. and within a few weeks stayed after work and was tempted to drink, and she did. about five in the am, she shows up a the house. the next morning we have a talk, she admits her mistake , apologizes and says she will try again but says she will not go back to work there because she doesn't feel strong enough to resist the urges. so for the next week she attends AA. the weekend rolls around , she goes to get cigarettes and doesn't come back for 7 hrs. she drives up. I know she's drunk but don't feel a confrontation is in order because she can't hold her head up. i clean her off take put her to bed. I put the food that she was going to cook back into the fridge. find something for the kids to eat. once they are taken care of, i go outside and write and contemplate throughout the evening and most of the night, how life is going to be with her if this is the scenario every time. (I didn't spend yrs to figure it out and i specifically warned her that the next time she did this she couldn't stay here any longer). the morning rolled around , she got up we had our coffee and i let her know I won't live like this and and her and her kids could move into her mother's home. I told her i would go still support her and encourage her, but as a friend and nothing more. She made excuses why it wasn't good for her to be at her moms ( many seem to be legitimate excuses) the last stage was the begging to stay and she wouldn't do it again, and she said she didn't want to lose me. The way i saw it she chose to lose me when she chose to drive to the beer store. so she finally had to pay a cost. she lost me as a boyfriend, and she lost her place of safety in my home. Not to mention the kids losing their place as well. It broke my heart but i wanted her to see just how much it had cost her this time. Her mothers home is no alcohol tolerance, demanding, and disciplined. The kids and her have a room there and food and their gandparents love them. Her mom will demand she has a job and will force her house rules upon her. I feel for her but i can't take her back and give her another chance just to let it happen again. being a recovering alcoholic with yrs under your belt, do you ever get to a place where it is not such a pull to drink, or does it never end. I am a big proponent of personal responsibility. I believe the alcoholic condition is hard to over come after the second drink, but the first is all choice isn't it? That is what i hold her accountable for , that initial choice to drive to the beer store. I love to see her happy and full of life but i can't stand to see her broken and defeated. she certainly means more to me than anything on this earth. Her love is genuine and selfless until temptation reaches it's apex. I told her i love her and am doing this because i do love her. I want her to stand on her own two feet, be self sufficient, and responsible for her actions. she has many goals, but pursuance of them doesn't last very long. inconsistency is her pattern. I can't give myself fully to her while she continues to live this way. If she does say enough is enough and stays with her plan , attends AA and gets a job, and really works out her sobriety, how would i know if it wouldn't all come crashing down with the next drink. Isn't that always going to be a factor in her relationships. I may not be such a good man after all and my love for her is superficial because i won't endure that kind of relationship. I have chosen to be her friend though, i am here to talk with hang out with, encourage , and help in any way just short of cleaning up messes that she may find herself in due to her decisions, and i know that when she hangs out with me she will not be drinking. I just don't have to be so personally impacted anymore. I like that , I can live with that, but is that going to be helpful to her or am i still allowing a safety line to be hanging out there? your advice will be much, much appreciated
Answer Good afternoon ory and thank you for your question.
I must ask you a question before I get too involved in telling you to follow through with your plans to tell your girlfriend to leave your home (with her children). Whether you know it or not alcoholism is a terminal disease that may end up killing your girlfriend (not that you can do very much to solve her drinking problem). She’s GOTTAWANNA! You may not be able to do anything about your girlfriend’s drinking, but you can do something about the problem that has developed in YOUR life by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to help her by first learning to help yourself. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Alanon is where YOU will get better. What you need is to listen to others who are or have been in a similar situation that you are now in and have found an answer to their problem. I guarantee that if you attend Alanon regularly, and work on your self, YOU will get better. That’s not to say that your girlfriend will get better because you go to Alanon, but you will learn how to detach from her illness with love and learn to hate the disease and not its victim. You have to give Alanon a chance to work for you. It may be possible for you to learn how to raise your girlfriend’s drinking bottom but if not, at least you will never become an enabler you will learn how to live in peace with yourself. Alanon is where you will get all of your questions answered. Since you love her very much why not give Alanon a chance to work for YOU unless you have already done so. Thank you Rebos
