Expert: Druideck - 6/2/2009

Question
Hi my name is Ann, I have been married to my high school sweetheart for going on 12 years now. I am a stay at home mom to our three daughters including a set of twins and a baby due at the beginning of next year. My husband and I both grew up in a very small town on an island without much to do, so a lot of the teens drank a lot, my husband included. I have never enjoyed how alcohol effects me so I rarely drink.

When we first got married my husband would sometimes have few beers after work and usually party with friends on the weekends but I thought nothing of it because that is what most people our age were doing, we got married when I was 18 and he was 21. It didn't occur to me that he had a problem with alcohol until the twins were about 3, we were living in a town we both hated and he had a miserable job. He started drinking 6-8 beers every night after work, and was very distant. I felt very depressed and alone because he never seemed to hear anything I talked to him about or care. After a while of this happening it started to really bother me because with the job he had we didn't see him much and when we did he would have a beer in his hand, not something I wanted my girls to see and think was normal. He would say he would quit and he would for a while and then he'd start again having 2-3 and slowing increasing it back up to 8 or more a night. I still pretty much thought it was just how he was dealing with his unpleasant job.

About a year ago he got a job he had been trying to get for years so we were both really excited. We also moved back closer to where we both grew up and he was happy about that as well. I thought that since things were so much better for us that the drinking would stop, but it didn't. He continued to drink so I started getting mad at him for it which only caused him to be mean and hurtful when he drank and to try and be sneaky. He doesn't drink every night, but several days out of the week and he gets drunk pretty much every day he doesn't have to work. So far his drinking hasn't effected his work although it came close last year when he nearly got a DUI.

Since he knows I don't like him to drink he tries to hide it, I've found beer cans hidden behind our dresser, in the closet and in the shed. I can tell by how his expression changes and by the things he does or says. I cannot stand the fact that he drinks, I am constantly afraid he is going to do something stupid that will cost him his job or get him killed. I know I should leave him alone and live my life and let him deal with the consequences of his actions but it is so hard because I am a stay at home mom and I know if he loses his job I will have a very hard time supporting our family. I want my kids to live in a normal happy family and that is hard when my husband cannot do any normal thing (BBQ's, game nights, camping etc.) without wanting to drink. If there is not alcohol involved it is not fun to him.  It makes me feel HORRIBLE that he cannot enjoy the kids and I without a buzz. His family has a long line of alcoholics including his father so that doesn't help. He thinks the only problem is the fact that I have a problem with it. He grew up with his dad doing the same thing and most other guys too so he thinks it's normal. I know he has a problem because he has made so many promises to stop but cannot have fun in life without it. I can't understand how having a family that loves him and a great job cannot make him happy enough to live without alcohol. Why is he so willing to risk losing it all?  I feel helpless, hurt and alone.  Sometimes I wish I could just leave him and then maybe he'd wake up and realize he has a problem but I have nowhere to go.  I got married right out of high school and got pregnant with my daughter shortly after so I have never really had a real job. I do work 8 hours a week right now, but I don't make even close to enough to raise the kids on my own. I also don't want to tear apart our family, my husband is a good father and can be awesome when he is not drinking, but when he is I cannot stand him. I just don't know what to do anymore.


Answer
Hi Ann,

I know how hard it is to
feel more or less powerless over
a person or situation.

Alcoholism is a chemical addiction
to alcohol and it really changes
a person slowly over time.

Often alcoholics are in denial
or cannot really see the severity
of the problem. This is part of the
illness and is a defense mechanism
to make drinking possible.

I know it feels bad and is hard
not to take his behaviour personally.

This is not a problem of anyones lack
of love. He may have an addiction
to alcohol, this means he needs to seek
help to stop drinking. Self will and love
are not enough to release him from
his problem. Even if he tries hard
and loves his family intensely
he will still drink.
The reason is that drinking slowly
becomes an illness that one cannot
control for long on their own.

First thing is if he does not
experience anything very negative
from drinking then he will have no
desire to stop.

Second thing is he is addicted and may
not be able to stop without help even if you make
him promise to.
You will be wasting your time extracting
promises and then feeling mistreated
when he fails.

You can talk to your local alcohol
or health agencies about interventions.

This is a problem that only he can solve
and it sounds like he hasn't seen it
as a problem yet.

Sometimes only bad consequences can
drive a person to recovery.
Many drinkers lose their families,
jobs, health and self-respect and
still keep drinking.

You may have to examine your ideas
about life and marriage etc.
We all have a dream of how it should
be and then we have reality.
The man you married is a drinker and
may have a serious problem.
Recovery may be a lifetime effort
for him. This is not easy for you
but things may get worse before they
get better.

You must decide what you will do
if he does not choose sobriety.
You can wait and see or make
other plans. You can decide how
long you will give him to seek
counselling or attend Alcoholics
Anonymous for support in stopping.

If he wants to drink he will
get angry about it and there is little
you can do to change things.
This is something he has to do for
himself or it won't stick for long.

Take care and let him be as you cannot
change him, that is his own job.
You can however take steps to
improve your own life.
Learn what you can about alcoholism
and even try some Al-Anon meetings
to gain insight and support
in detaching from the problem.

Take care!