Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 6/29/2009

Question
I had a friend who I dated off and on for 3 years. I recently had to call everything off with her because of her alcoholism. Her behavior was becoming more and more unacceptable. I came to a startling conclusion a few weeks ago that I had been enabling her this whole time, and I feel bad about it. All of her "friends" do the same thing. Her parents are the worse though. She is a single mother and she often has her parents watch her 10 year old son so that she can go to the bar. Of course that's not what she tells them. She gets drunk and takes guys home and says she's being responsible because she could not drive. These guys often get her favors for there "kindness" and she has developed quite a reputation. She is unemployed so she does not have much money, but her parents pay almost all her bills for her. Which means more money for drinking. Over the years I got to know them pretty well and they know she has a problem, but not the extent. Should I sit down with them and explain the situation?

Answer
Hello Brian,
Yes, I suggest meeting with them and bringing all of your former friend's behaviors out in the open. You are being a good friend even though you have called everything off with the alcoholic woman in your life. Alcoholics rarely seek help unless they have to take responsibility for their actions and experience consequences. I am also concerned for your friend's child in regard to your friend coming home drunk with strangers, etc. So, I think it is a loving thing for you to meet with this woman's parents and try to tell them the truth about their daughter's alcoholic behaviors. Be aware that often rescuers of an alcoholic such as parents may have denial of their own and not want to hear negatives about their daughter. So, try to start off by saying you are meeting with them out of love and concern for the woman and not out of anger or any negative motive; that you just want to help her. You may wish to take a look at these websites for some information before you speak with the parents: http://www.gettingthemsober.com/ and http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ You can also check out my website for further help Good luck,
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com