Expert: Beverley Glazer - 6/4/2009

Question
First let me say thank you for reading my question and being available to help people like me, I greatly appreciate it.

I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 7 months now. It has been the greatest relationship I have ever been in. My girlfriend is a professional, educated, sweet, shy ... just all around amazing person. She means the world to me.

I am a former Marine Corps Sergeant. I deployed to the middle east twice in span of 4 years. I've had some horrible experiences, and resulted to drinking after my first return from Iraq. My drinking since then has fluctuated. Luckily when i left he Marines, I moved to NY near my brother. Immediately my brother saw my problem and helped me realize it by smacking me around. He confronted me immediately, embarrassed me, made sure i remembered the fool i made of myself. He helped me fix a problem before it got too bad. I never drink liquor, just have a beer or two at the bar.

So that's her, and that's me. Now today, just a few hours ago i feel everything just came together in front of my eyes and I can't believe Ive missed it this long. I feel she is an alcoholic. I just was just too smitten to see it. Please help me confirm:

- She has had a traumatic experience when she was younger that i felt she told me last week while we were at the bar. Felt like a "cry to help" the way she told this private story with strangers near by

- Well drink just about every time we're together (week or weekend). Usually just a beer or two or if we get wine a glass or two. Nothing felt to wrong about that, its never gone past that. Just the " ahhh feet up, after work drink" (sorry if that sounds dumb)

- Her eyes are yellow. They always have been, and I've always wondered. I just never thought of alcohol as the reason until i started investigating this evening

- She complains her back hurts or she has a bad back. (never spoke of any physical injury)

- Her breath smells like hard liquor. Ok i know how ridiculous this sounds but let me explain. I just quit smoking (this is my 3rd attempt). I remember last time i quit how smells grow sharper, how cigarettes began to smell weird. Well here's the thing. I've always thought her breath smelled like pasta. I know she says she eats a lot of pasta at home. Now that i can smell again, it smells like vodka. Ill know for sure tomorrow and the day after if this smell has really transformed.God i feel so stupid.

- For such a sweet person she can be really direct, snappy at night (when were not planning on spending the night together) I always wondered but now I'm guessing its because she's had too much and just wants to concentrate on sleep.

- I cant stop in. We live 10 blocks from each other. I've tried to stop in to pick her up and take her out to dinner, or showed up early or whatever. She has even told me to turn around and she'd meet me at the bar. "My place is a mess, you cant see it like this".

- Tonight we had a beer, when she asked if we should go get something to drink I said no thanks i just want to sit her with yah and watch TV. Within the hour she was politely kicking me out because she had to get up for work early tomorrow. Lets drink more, or I gotta go to sleep to get up early tomorrow.. but watching tv drinking water inst ok.

-She told me at the start of our relationship. "I'm a self hater type sometimes, you sure you want to date me. Why do you want to date me" I'm the same way, so far we've made each other nothing but smiles.

I always KNEW there was something not right. I thought for  a moment she might be cheating on me. It all just became clear to me tonight. God i can't believe I didn't see this earlier.

I love this girl. She has helped bring me from a dark place and filled my heart with joy. I want to be with her every minute. I'm sure if we can get through this, we'll merge apartments soon. My question is how do I help. How do I fix. Shes not stubborn, shes in love with me and listens, I in no way feel she is a lost cause and I feel like this is a point where I can work hard and help her turn this around. What can I do?  What should I definitely not do? Should I have her move in with me now, I could monitor closely that way and fix this problem before it gets worse.

Thank you for reading this! Please help!

Answer
Hi Jay,

It sounds to me that your girlfriend has a drinking problem and she needs help, but first she has to admit to you (and to herself) that she has a problem.

It could be, that the drinking originated with her suffering, but it seems that the alcohol now has a life of it's own.

Tell her your concerns. She may argue with you but you can also give her this self-test.
http://untwist-your-thinking.com/alcohol-addiction.html

The test may help you to break her denial. Tell her that you love her, but she must do something because she's killing herself. She may be open to seeing a doctor to discuss the problem (and he'll also notice her eyes). You can have her go to AA meetings, get a sponsor and follow a 12 step program, or get private addiction counseling. She may even prefer to go to rehab - which can be a good break.

Tell her that she needs help, because she can't do this alone, but it's not advisable for her to move in with you. She will end up lying and arguing with you, but she won't stop drinking.

Unfortunately, you can't do anything, other than to point her in the right direction to get help. She's the only one who can to do it.

I hope this information is helpful and if you have further questions, please let me know.

Thank you for writing All Experts
Best of luck,

Bev
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com