Expert: Clyde - 7/27/2009

Question
QUESTION: How do I continue to live with an alcoholic spouse that blames me at every turn for his problems and embarrasses me and our children with his behavior? I switch between anger and fear. He has his doctors convinced that he is depressed over work issues, which I don't deny that work issues can plat a factor in his anxiety. I do realize that it is how he chooses to cope with his stress and anxiety, depression etc... is his alcohol and prescription drugs. I went to his last doctors appoitment with him and listened to him blame his job for his depression and a long list of other things. When the doctor asked me why I thought he wasn't pulling out of his depression in the last 3-4 years, I told him that I thought that the alcohol was conteracting the medications that he has him on and that his drinking was an issue. My husband was so mad at me after that appointment and told me and his doctor and I could not tell him what to do and that he would have a few drinks if he wanted to and that it was my fault I just want him to be perfect and that if I wanted him to leave he would. He hurts me at every turn and seems to be oblivious to mine or our childrens pain. He says thnigs like that and then asked why I am mad at him or why his daughter is crying. It is like he lives in an alternate reality. I am to the point where I can't take it. What should I do? He is at anothers doctors appointment probably lying to him about his drinking to get him to renew his meds, he told him in no uncertain terms that he could not drink and that the meds that he had perscribed. I was going to call the doctor today before his appointment and let him know that he was still drinking but I am afraid of my husbands reaction if he finds out, I am afraid all the time because he just rants and blames me to the point that I am an emotional wreck.

ANSWER: Pam,

  Thank you for your questions and for sharing your pain with all this going on.   I can empathize with you and I hear your pain.  I hear it too many times from the sufferers in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and Alanon.  I hope you may be familiar with the groups.

  What I know helps me is to know that I have support and some one to listen to my worries and fears and angers.  When I need to vent I know I need to do it with people who care.  
  
   Your husband is not a bad person - he is a sick person and doesn't know it yet.  Alcohol is not a good recreation when one is depressed as it is a depressant.  It numbs to the core.  The "buzz' is what makes the drunk think they are having fun and stimulated, but not so.

   Two suggestions: 1.) If you have not been to Alanon - go to a meeting and find women with whom you can share YOUR day to day life.  The drunk will continue to drink until they are ready to change and not til then.  You might become old and decrepit before he does that. It took me 20 long hard years of alcoholic drinking to finally decide to change.  You have a wonderful opportunity to step out of the active alcoholic lifestyle and really enjoy life.  Think positive about you and face the fears that may be welling up inside you to make the step in a world of non-drinking drunks and families who have come out of the fog of alcoholism.  2.) Do not call the doctor and makes waves for yourself.  This only makes the alcoholic more resistant to the changes he needs to make.  You did not cause alcoholism, you can not control it, and you can not cure it. Try to do your level best to leave him be to his own behaviors.  He has to "hit his bottom" (get to the point of desperation) and interfering with that is not helpful to the alcoholic.  It enables.

    If he will watch what you do and how you are moving on with your own life he might just get curious enough to wonder what it is that you have found that makes life so good.  Then maybe he will begin to think about AA and getting some help on his own.


    I hope that you will give this some serious consideration.

   I hope this helps and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for your insight, It is good to hear from a recovering alcoholics point of view. My husband just called me after his visit to his doctor and I did not contact the doctor. He told me that he discussed that I was not talking to him because he was drinking and he said that the doctor asked him what was he going to do about it and he responded that he was trying. I don't believe anything that he says, he lies to protect what he loves the most and he never....... keeps promises. I just wait around for him to mess up again. I fear that if I leave he won't keep his job, he won't support us and I fear that if my son goes to visit he will drive drunk with him in the car. These are risks that I don't know if I am willing to take right now even if I am miserable. I know that I have to stop trying to control him, because I can't, I know that the more I oush the harder he digs in to protect his lifestyle. I am angry and bitter and sad and feeling quite alone.

Answer
Pam,
   Thank you for the follow up e-mail.  If he indeed said something to the doctor, then he is being convicted to some degree in his own mind.  You will have more impact on him if you simply quit asking or pleading with him.  If you change the pattern (i.e. no more questions and no more pushiness) he will sense that something is different.  Alcoholics like predictability and by your doing something totally different it may cause him to really do some serious thinking.  If this does have some effect be prepared to calmly discuss alcoholism with him but do not preach or scold or irritate.  If you can stay calm and suggest things you get from me and Alanon, then maybe you can move him to where he needs to be.  Arguing is a losing proposition with an alcoholic.

   I know it is frustrating but you have done the right thing by reaching out so that someone hears you.

   Write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde