Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 7/27/2009

Question
I have been married to a man for 2 years. My husband who is 48 will come home every day after work and open a beer, he will then proceed to drink until bedtime. Generally at these times he does not appear in the slightest bit buzzed. At weekends, he will drink from mid day until we go bed, he has no control and does not know when to stop.  This will occur at every single opportunity and these are the times when he will go from a buzz to full fledged drunken state, where he will have no recollection the next day.  He has ruined every single social function we have been to, our wedding night, the last night of our honeymoon.  All holidays and vacations, every weekend away, every dinner party we have or go to. When he is really drunk and mixes alcohols, then he is a verbally abusive drunk I now dread weekends and vacations with him. I have to drive  every time, when I have said we take it in turns, he still gets drunk, so I have no choice. Now he suggests we take taxis, it is not that I want to drink , it is just that I am fed up with dealing with a man who has no control.  He says he does not have a problem, which he obviously does. He walks away from me when I say anything. Ultimatums and consequences are not the way to go or are they?  I want to show him this letter and your response and to admit he has a problem, with confirmation what he really is. He is putting our marriage in jepody. Unfortunately I have a 14 yr old son who witnesses this, who does not want to have to go through another break-up, His father is a drug addict. But the way things are going my last option may well be to end the marriage, so that I can be happy and not go through this dread every single week whatever the event may be. There is a major problem and I have no idea what to do. We have no problems at all except that, we have a very good and comfortable life, so there are no excuses on that part

Answer
Hello Kris,
It is so painful to watch a loved one's drinking destroy himself and emotionally damage those who love him. All of the behaviors you describe, including a pattern of loss of control, negative personality change, abuse of those close to him, tension in relationships, disruption of family events, and blackouts are clear evidence of alcoholism. Even though I haven't spoken to your husband, the behaviors you listed leave no doubt that he has the disease of alcoholism. Denial of the problem is a symptom of its presence. The only way an alcoholic may agree to stop drinking and get help is the result of negative consequences, meaning that you allow the natural consequences of his drinking behavior to occur. Consequences include your being honest with your husband that his drinking is a problem and ruinig your marriage.

This situation is one that is difficult to handle on your own. It is important to be honest and direct with your husband about his alcoholism and its effects on you and your son. As I say to all individuals in your unfortunate situation, always try when speaking to your husband, to do so when he is sober and to preface all discussions with a caring statement: for example, "I love you too much to watch you doing..." I suggest that you consider taking a clear stand with this man, telling him that your marriage is in jeopardy unless he gets sober and stays sober through treatment and AA. I realize that it is emotionally difficult to give a firm ultimatum that the marriage could be over unless he stops drinking for good and goes to AA, and suggest you think about getting help and support from Al-Anon, the 12 Step program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Let your husband know you are attending Al-Anon, unless it is too dangerous from an emotional or physically abusive standpoint.

In addition, I suggest that you speak honestly to your son about the problem. He is old enough to understand that your husband is ill with the disease of alcoholism (also let your husband know you have done so), stressing to your son that alcoholism needs to be treated, and that your son is not at fault for any of your husband's drinking behaviors. This website has information for children of alcoholics: http://www.adultchildren.org/ Check out my website for further help and information. Good luck to you.

Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com