Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 7/13/2009

Question
Hello,
Please help me.  My ex of 4 years broke up with me while in treatment 2 years ago.  Since then, he relapsed after 1 year and contacts me about every 6 months then disappears.  I was very much in love with this man and he recently started calling me again and all the love has come back.  He only contacts me when he's drunk and I never hear from him when he's sober.  I've tried going to therapist, al-anon, CODA, I can't get over my addiction to this man.  My question is this:  why after 2 years does this man continue to contact me knowing I still want to be with him and only contacts me when he's drunk?  One minute he tells me he has a lot of love for me then he tells me he has no feelings for me?  At the same time the next morning when I sleep at his house he tells me "oh another female left her stuff here."  I don't understand why he goes out of his way to put his business with other females to me knowing I don't want to hear about it.  When we are hanging out together he kisses me, holds hands dances and of course he's drinking.  When he's sober I get nothing out of him for months at a time.  Please tell me what this man is doing to me.


Answer
Hello Lena,
Sadly, an alcoholic who is not in recovery, is manipulative, often cruel, and incapable of an honest intimate romantic relationship. Alcoholism is also an example of extreme self-centeredness and irrationality. As tough as it may be, I sugest telling your ex that you want no contact from him unless he is sober and in recovery, and then change your telephone number (he can write you under the conditions stated). I also suggest that, as you may have learned in Al-Anon, that you take care of yourself and not allow this man to hurt you anymore. Take care,
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com
www.alcoholdrugsos.com