Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 7/13/2009

Question
QUESTION: Jan - I've written to you before about my recently divorced daughter, but now she's given me more insight into how their marriage consisted.  She informs me that her and her husband drank heavily on a daily basis.  She often awoke in a pool of vomit, but still says those days were some of her happiest days in the marriage and that she misses them terribly.  Does this make any sense?  Was the drinking together like that a contributor to the failure of the marriage?

ANSWER: Hello Ann,
I don't remember the details of your daughter's situation. If she's an alcoholic, my question is: Is she in recovery or treatment, or still drinking? Alcoholics have selective memories and tend to miss their drinking days, especially if they have not developed a positive life in recovery. Alcohol becomes the primary coping mechanism of the alcoholic, including in intimate relationships. Certainly two alcoholics drinking together cannot develop a healthy relationship, but rather enable each other to continue to drink. I hope this helps. If you wish more help, I can do so professionally. Good luck,,
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com
www.alcoholdrugsos.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: She is not in any recovery program at all.  She is in complete denial about her problem.  That is why I'm having such a hard time trying to make sense when I talk to her.  She continues to drink daily, missing her marriage, the companionship she had with him.  A drinking companion, I'm sure.  I'll have to take it a day at a time and hope for the best.

Answer
It's such a difficult and painful situation; I am sorry you have to experience it, Ann. If there is any leverage you have (for ex., her living with you or depending on you) I suggest using it to motivate her to get help. Also, it sounds as if you are using Al-Anon principle, so, as they say "keep coming back" to Al-Anon. Check out my website for my professional help, if you like. Good luck,
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com
443-610-3569