Expert: Druideck - 7/28/2009

Question
A friend of mine is a recovering alcoholic.  He stopped about two years ago and relapsed once, but he has remained sober for about a year and a half, which is excellent.  Yesterday we were discussing the narcissistic behaviour (self centred, omnipotent grandiosity, etc.in alcoholics).  Is this behaviour a product of substance abuse or is the alcohol abuse a symptom of a narcissistic character?  Even if my friend has stopped drinking, and has participated consistently in AA for 2 years, I see a lot of that behaviour in him, which I dislike. I also wonder if it can be completely overcome through just participating in AA.    Perhaps this is an odd question but it really intrigues me.   Thank you very much in adavance.

Answer
Moni,

many of the unfavorable traits exhibited
by alcoholics develop while they are
drinking or at least become magnified.

Grandiosity is related to making judgement calls
in a black/white or a good/bad way.
Alcoholics see things as either I am great
or I am worthless. No gray areas exist.

These judgements will lessen as he learns
to fit in better with the world.
He stops trying to be the best or the worst
and starts to feel like it is okay just
to be himself and that we all have value
as human beings even though our behaviours
can change over time.

Alcoholics are very self-centered, this
can be related to their lack of emotional
maturity. Alcoholics do not mature
normally and often have the emotional
age of young children.
It takes time to have sober experiences
and gain the knowledge an adult would
have from those experiences.

Just being sober and in AA will not
make a person mature, it helps
but only time and self-examination can help a person
to grow away from narcissism.

There is no specific answer to your question
as some of the behaviour is brought on
and amplified by alcoholism and feelings of inferiority.
Mostly it is the self-centered immaturity
of a child which takes time to overcome.

When a person feels deep inside like
he has failed as a person or is less
in some way he may unconsciously
try to compensate by acting superior.

Alcoholics have trouble just being themselves
as they need to be above others just to feel equal.
These extremes make it hard just
to feel okay without any false ego to bolster
a sagging self-image.

In recovery we learn that it
is okay to be a regular human
being and that we can still have
value without being at the top all the time.
We learn to fit in and give up our
harsh judgements of ourself and others.
We learn how to live usefully and
sanely and we learn how to act so
we can honestly value who we are
without any pretense.
We learn how to make mistakes and
how to make amends quickly when we
are wrong.

We all work our program at our own speed,
some may hang on to their old attitudes
longer than others. This is okay as
long as we continue to follow the
steps we will grow in sobriety.