Expert: Rebos - 7/2/2009

Question
I have been in a relationship for almost three years now. Everything was amazing, my boyfriend treated me great but sometimes when he would come to my place he would be slurring his words and talking a lot more than usual. It was not very often and i was the only one that noticed it, plus he denied drinking when i asked, so i never thought anything more of it. Until recently when i found out i was pregnant and he started a new job. Every time he comes to get me (yes he drives over) i just look at him and i know he is drunk. I don't want to ask him about it while hes like that because it will just start a fight so i try to act like I'm not upset, but no matter what i do he ends up getting mad at me. The worst part about it is that he wont let me drive his car, and when he gets mad he drives crazy! I'm terrified he will harm me or my unborn child, or get himself killed! Any time i ask him if he had a  drink i try really casually, simply asking if he had a few beers when he got home or something he says no. He is so amazing when hes sober, i fall in love with him all over again every time i see him. But its more often than not, that he will show up drunk. How can i talk to him and explain that i know what hes doing... without calling him a liar? It would be one thing if he denied being an alcoholic, but he denies drinking completely. I don't want to leave him, but i feel like i have no other choice. He is also very emotional, but doesn't like to talk about feelings. So i know that when i try to talk to him about this (when hes sober) he will refuse to talk and make me look like a bad person. I know this is long, i have no one i can turn to for help. I'm really worried about him and want to have a future with him. We are talking about moving in together for our baby, but i was raised by an alcoholic and refuse to let my child have the same life i did. Thank you for listening.

Answer
Good afternoon Cathy and thank you for your question.

Under the conditions that you described; “if drinking is causing problems in your relationship – then you’re boyfriend’s drinking is a problem”! You have one of two choices as to how to deal with your boyfriend’s drinking…Lose him! UNLESS HE FOLLOWS THROUGH AND TURNS HIMSELF INTO A DETOXIFICATION CLINIC. He is in denial and God himself won’t stop a drunk from drinking unless he wants to stop drinking.

He is having a problem with alcohol and if drinking causes problems then IT is a problem no matter what he says! In so many words it is called an addiction just like any other addiction. Alcoholism never gets better on its own it always gets worse. Alcoholics don’t have girlfriends, they don’t have wives, they don’t even have children, Alcoholics take “hostages” and have “victims”…they are too self-centered, and care more about their right to continue drinking than they do for their girlfriends, wives or children. Ask him to stop drinking and see if he does. That should tell you something. I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on their willpower alone…the addiction is too powerful.

HOWEVER, if for some insane reason that you cannot stop yourself from continuing your relationship with him, then it would be wise for you to go to Alanon meetings. It is the only way that you will survive the ordeal of having an alcoholic in your life. If you
choose to remain in your relationship with him and you don’t attend meetings you have no one to blame for your situation but yourself.  Even if you say that you love him so much and that you are willing to work through whatever…get yourself to AlAnon! Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your boyfriend’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information, knowledge and implications of the disease, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. If you do decide to stick it out please go to Alanon meetings it will be your only chance to survive the relationship. Alanon’s central office can be found in your phone book.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without your boyfriend learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as “white knuckle sobriety”. It isn’t very long before the alcoholic has to drink again. FOR THE ALCOHOLIC THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CUTTING DOWN, binge or periodic drinking, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, smoking pot or taking other mind altering drugs or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor understands that he/she is dealing with an addicted person.

Unfortunately, your boyfriend must hit his own bottom before he will do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! Don’t let him take you there with him. Until he “admits and accepts” that alcohol is causing him problems there is little you can do for him. No one can scare an alcoholic into stopping drinking. Threatening, and begging will not get him to stop doing what he has not made up his own mind to do. Don’t think that he does not want to stop he can’t stop when left to his own devices. Also, don’t be lulled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he says that he will. It’s not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he is afraid to stop. Alcoholism is powerful, cunning, baffling and insidious.

An active alcoholic’s choices become limited to: attending a recovery program like AA, and/or entering an in-patient detoxification clinic then to the AA program. If he does nothing about stopping then he is destined to die a drunk’s death, get involved negatively with the law or end up in a mental institution. I am sorry to be blunt, but I am only stating what you probably already know. Rarely have I seen an alcoholic stop drinking on willpower alone. The disease is too powerful.

If you do talk to him you may want to say that you are leaving him because of his drinking. And… that until he is sober for at least a year or more that you do not want to hear from him or have any contact with you. You have to get on with your life. Don’t let him trap you into “that this whole thing is your problem and not his, and if you didn’t “bug him” that he would be OK.” Alcoholics are very clever at turning the problem around to protect their own right to drink!

His drinking will always come first. I wish you the very best and I hope that I have not taken too much liberty with you in the way I have responded to your question. You seem to be intelligent woman…don’t let this man destroy your life. Get out while you can, and concentrate on someone who can love you, more than booze. I know that you love him…but HE CAN”T LOVE YOU AND ALCOHOL at the same time.

If I can be of further help please do not hesitate to contact me again through Allexperts. Thank you Rebos

I hope that I haven’t hurt your feelings in my response to you…but the decision that you make about this guy will HOWEVER, if for some insane reason you cannot stop yourself from continuing your relationship with him, then it would be wise for you to go to Alanon meetings. It is the only way that you will survive the ordeal of having an alcoholic in your life.