Expert: Clyde - 7/26/2009

Question
Hi there,

I’ve been with my partner for 7 years. I’m now 33 she’s 30. We’ve always had a pretty good time together and although we used to party a lot – in the last 4-5 years I’ve calmed down and although she has too – it’s become very apparent that she has had a drinking problem for some time. She also used to have an eating disorder that she managed to over come, but sadly, in it’s place began the drinking.

For the last 3 years we’ve spoken about it quite a lot, gone through all the usual motions and then ended up back where we started. I’ve asked her to seek help over the years – but she’s always done it “her way”. This year she went to Spain – to a fitness week and another similar week, as she was very keen to get her life back on track.  I told her I thought it wouldn’t work – but gave her the benefit of the doubt and supported her. But I also said to her if it didn’t, she’d have to do it my way. She agreed. I’ve always pushed for AA etc – but she’s always backed out. Again, she’s always spoke of getting it “under control” – but I fear she never will. Sadly, as a person she never sees anything through.

Right now, she’s been drinking for about 5 days straight.

The thing is she’s a sweet person. She’s quite self-centred sometimes, but generally only for attention from me. She craves affection. I’d say she’s quite lazy but this is largely due to her drinking.

I’m almost numb to the situation I’m in, although what is different now is that we run a small business together. Well I’ll rephrase that – I run a business and she’s meant to be doing the same amount of work as me. We’ve only been going since Dec 08 – but we essentially live and work together running a guest house (that offers in house catering). Her role is everything in the kitchen – breakfast and dinner etc. The problem is that I’d say half the time she’s working she’s half cut. Sometimes she gets half way through cooking, and then pops off for a nap. Yours truly is so used it I can see it coming a mile off but I just about hold the fort.

The problem is she is now putting my livelihood in jeopardy (and another business partners) if we get a visit from Health and Safety, not to mention affecting our guests  (although so far no ones noticed.). Plus what sort of relationship will last the distance with such a balance shift in responsibilities!?

We’re both committed to working here until 31st August 09. Then we have September, October and November off as our business partner is running things then. I’d like to bring things to a head, starting 1st September. I want a firm plan of action and although I feel this is the last chance for her – I just want reassurance that I’d be doing the right thing. I’d like to give her 3 months to commit to AA – week after week – and at least try.  I’m almost certain she’ll fail within a month. But if she tries continuously for 3 months and even fails to get o top of it – I’d stay with her. It’ll break my heart of course if she throws the towel in – but what worries me more is feeling endless guilt for abandoning her if it goes down that route.

Any advice would be really appreciated.

Dave


Answer
Dave,
    Thank you for your questions and for the excellent write-up on the situation. I feel that I have a really good idea of what is going on.

    I am glad that you are pushing the AA idea.  I believe that it is the very best method for getting and staying sober.  It sounds like she is at least interested in trying since she has attempted other methods.  What she is lacking is the simple word "honesty."

    AA teaches us to be rigorously honest and that means primarily with ourselves in the beginning of sobriety.  It is a real difficult step as we don't want to admit that we need help, that we have failed, that we have a drinking problem, etc.  Setting a goal of 3 months of AA daily (what we call "90 in 90" will be a first step for her to get really serious about the true nature of what she is up against.  If she will commit the this 90 in 90, get a temporary sponsor (someone whom she can get to know and call when she has cravings or just needs to talk), gets a copy of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and READS THE FIRST 164 PAGES, then she has a shot at getting sober now.  Sounds pretty simple but there are all sorts of things she will need to find out about herself (i.e. why she started drinking, why she drinks now, her fears, her guilt, her bad behaviors, her secrets, etc.)  Those  will take time.

   Remember that this is her walk not yours. Do not interfere and do not be nosy when and if she does not wish to tell you about her meetings or her relationship with her sponsor.  She may not be able to share the truth with you as she discovers more about who she really is.  You can offer to attend some "open" meetings with her to show your interest in her program but if she says "no" then do not push her on this.  It can sometimes happen that she will not seem the same person (if she succeeds) but this is not anything to worry about now.  You hope she will get sober, don't you?  Then the results are not for us to decide.

    I hope this helps and write again if I may be of any further help.  I hope she is willing to do the deal and do 90 in 90 and get the help learning that this is disease and not a moral issue.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde