Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 7/14/2009

Question
I am married to a functioning alcoholic.  He drinks every day, anywhere from 5-8 on weeknights after work to 8-14 on weekend days.  He has drank for our full 29 year marriage but I would say this recent habit I'm speaking of has been going on for the last 15 years.  My question is....how long can this go on?  At some point, I would think this would start damaging some organs.  He smokes about 2 packs of cigarettes per day and chews.  I seriously am thinking of leaving the marriage as I would rather be alone than spend the rest of my life with someone who slurs and doesn't have a functioning brain.  Anytime I just mention the fact of how much he is drinking his nastiness comes out.  He is 52 years old.  We have been to our family Dr. and he was diagnosed at that time as an alcolholic who can't even have 1 drink as he cannot stop drinking once he starts.  He hasn't done anything our Dr. has asked him to do and when I remind him he gets mad.  Thank you for your help..I'll wait for your response.

Answer
Greetings to you, Ann.

You have asked:

>> how long can this go on?

It sounds to me like the doctor you have mentioned (and maybe someone else also) has helped you understand much about alcoholism ... and that same doctor might have the best answer there concerning your husband.  Overall, some alcoholics seem able to continue drinking almost indefinitely, yet others of us do end up in very early graves ... and of course, there is still the possibility your husband’s drinking might yet come to an end in permanent recovery.  So, and in answer to your question as asked, I can really only say I do not know.

You have written:

>> I would say this recent habit I'm speaking of has been going on for the last 15 years.

I was one who began drinking heavily early on in my drinking, but it is not unusual for alcoholism to more gradually make itself evident in some of us.

>> At some point, I would think this would start damaging some organs.

Almost certainly, and your doctor can likely offer some actual details there.

>> I seriously am thinking of leaving the marriage as I would rather be alone than spend the rest of my life with someone who slurs and doesn't have a functioning brain.

That is a decision only you can make, and it would be wrong of me to offer any specific suggestion about that.  My first father-in-law died drunk in his fifties, and his wife had remained, “in sickness and in health”, right there all the way to the end.  Nothing about that was easy, of course, but she had her children and some close friends and others offering much support for her.

I have two suggestions to offer here, and I believe they should prove helpful either individually or together.  First, and especially if you have not already done so, please consider reading the chapter “To Wives”, in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:
http://www.aa.org/bigbookonline/en_tableofcnt.cfm

And second, you should be able to find others in situations like yours and with much helpful experience to share in an Al-Anon family group somewhere nearby.

>> Anytime I just mention the fact of how much he is drinking his nastiness comes out.

He possibly knows his heavy drinking is not good for him, and he might even be fearfully angry over not being able to drink more moderately.  But either way, and no matter how right you or anyone else might be about his drinking, it will take the pain it takes for him to hopefully one day want to stop and ask for some help.

>> He hasn't done anything our Dr. has asked him to do and when I remind him he gets mad.

Having a desire to stop drinking will not keep an alcoholic from drinking, and anyone’s attempts to try to make him stop will almost always leave him feeling threatened in some way and can actually drive him on toward drinking more.

As a male alcoholic, it is impossible for me to put myself in your shoes and know specifically what I would do there.  But as a fellow human being, I surely do care about your well-being and your life, and I offer friendship to you while also hoping your husband might survive and ultimately recover from alcoholism.

Please know you are always welcomed to write,

Joseph Lee O.