AboutClyde Expertise I can answer questions on the recovery from alcohol addiction as I am a recovering alcoholic with 15 years of sobriety. I can also address the spiritual aspects of the 12-Step program as I have a Master of Divinity degree and serve as a pastor for the Quaker church.
Experience I am a recovering alcoholic with 15 years of continuous sobriety.
Education/Credentials Master of Divinity awarded in 2000 from Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary
Question We have only been together for a year and a half. I am 8 in half months pregnant. Before I was pregnant we would drink a lot on the weekeneds and party with are friend quite a bit. I never noticed a problem though. For the past 8 months I have been completely sober and I noticed just about everytime he drinks he drinks till its gone or until he cant drink anymore. We get into huge fights but only when he is drunk, he says im trying to control him and all these mean horrible things come out about how bad of a person I am but then when the alcohol is out of his system he is a completely different person and he acts like he has never been more sorry in his life. He is violent or anything like that. I made him promise not to drink more then a few drinks for the next four weeks incase I go into labor because I would like him to be there for me, he says its no big deal but that was 2 weeks ago and he has gotten trashed several times since then. We will be on our way to a family event where there is alcohol and I'll remind him of his promise and beg him not to drink and he will tell me things like " I dont even feel like drinking and I promise I wont." 10 minutes after being there he will be sneaking drinks behind my back, it seems like I catch him everytime and he'll just give me a look like a child does when they have been caught doing something wrong, he will then aplogize to me and tell me how much he loves me and he'll reasure me once again that he is done but then by the end of the night he is TRASHED and the fighting starts! He also tells me that I try to control his drinking because I am jealous that I cant drink, but that is not true. I am trying to grow up and put the partying aside, not only do I try to control it because I need to have some I can rely on to take me to the hospital but also because I dont want to fight with him and be mistreated. He isnt the type that needs it everyday or the type that wakes up and chugs out of a bottle in fact he can go along time without drinking its just if he is around it its like he has no control, he just drinks until he cannot stop. My family and friends have big get togethers all the time and there is also alcohol there but none of them have a problem with drinking so I dont want to stop spending time with the people I love just so he will stop drinking but I dont know what else to do. If I did stop him from being around it then he would just end up feeling like a caged and controlled animal. It seems like there is no winning in this situation but he is a good person and I want to be with him but I dont know how much more I can take. What can I do? I am going to have a baby in less then 2 weeks and I cant keep living like this.
Answer Candace,
Thank you for your questions and for explaining the behaviors you are seeing in the boyfriend.
He is displaying a need for alcohol but we can not say he is drinking alcoholically - only he can determine that for himself. The alcoholic does drink differently than other people so your observations of him at various functions is accurate.
You can not do one thing about his drinking. You have discovered that the promises are empty and the discussions are not going anywhere with him. Someone has to decide for themselves that they want to change - he has not displayed that desire yet. We say in Alanon, a group for friends and family of alcoholics, that you can not control alcoholism, you did not cause alcoholism, and you can not cure alcoholism. We say this to make us realize that we did not do anything to make him this way ( i.e. your family's drinking habits are not causing him to drink, that is his responsibility not yours or your family.)
You are maturing and that is why you have decided to move on in life and put away childish thing such as partying and getting drunk. This is the natural progression of growing up. Alcoholics are generally people who, for whatever reason, do not want to grow up, to mature, to be more responsible. They are afraid of many things and living under the guise of alcohol masks the problems of life. Alcohol makes life easier to take from day to day. Your boyfriend may or may not be an alcoholic but he is showing signs of not maturing and there are millions upon millions of people who are the same way.
Here is my suggestion - lighten up the load you are carrying about his not following your demands. It will not work and it is not worth it. Chances are that there will not be a serious consequence in the next two weeks or so from his drinking (let's hope). In the meantime, know that you are doing the right thing for the baby you are carrying. It is better to lower the stress you are carrying about the drinking. I am not saying to give him permission to drink all he wants but do not push your demands on him as much. Tell him you sincerely hope he will be sober in order to help you when labor begins. I hope he will be so for your sake.
Once the baby is born, he will perhaps see that he has new responsibilities and begin to grow up a little at a time. The new baby will place added responsibility on him and discussing drinking habits at a later date after the baby is born would be in order.
Down the road there may be decisions to make regarding alcohol use but those are in the future. Enjoy today and the experience of having this baby.
I hope this may have helped and if I can be of any further help, please write again.
