Expert: Clyde - 7/25/2009

Question
Hello. First of all I don't believe my boyfriend is an alcoholic right now, but I'm worried it could progress into it later on. We've been together for almost 2 years. He has always been a social drinker. When he comes to visit me hes sober, he doesn't drink alone, and at least when we go out and drink, he is always capable of driving. He has controlled his drinking because he knows I don't like it when he loses control. I know he drinks heavily with friends because he once told me he has returned to his house without remembering how he got there. We've also drank together and he can drink 7 shots a few drinks easily. Then again, so can I, which is why he doesn't get it when I tell him that I want him to take it easy because i drink, too. I rarely drink like this, and he goes out more than me. And he has blacked out. I don't mind that he drinks socially, since I do, too. Its just that when I bring up the subject he gets mad and says that he does control himself because if he wasn't with me he would have been drinking right now (in the morning). Comments like these worry me. I don't know if its teenage bravado (hes 19). Do you think this could get worse, or in time he will mature? Our relationship is great, that the only think that makes us fight.

Answer
Andrea,
     Thank you for your questions and for giving some idea of the way alcohol plays a role in your life.

     Let me say, at the outset, thank God your boyfriend is so young.  He has an opportunity to educate himself on alcoholism at a very young age and maybe save himself and all those around him a lot of grief if he may have a propensity to alcoholism.

     Alcoholism is not a moral issue - it is not a matter of doing or not doing something socially.  Alcoholism is not something that one can ward off either.  If one has the propensity towards it then alcoholism WILL INFECT the person and their entire life.  We do not become alcoholics so much as alcohol takes over our very lives.

     Alcohol is addictive.  Addictions are so detrimental because they take precedence over relationships.  Look at sex addiction - it destroys real personal human relationships by replacing the gift of human sexuality with pornography and lust and visual overstimulation.  Look at gambling - it destroys relationships by robbing a family of their very sustenance by enticing a person to think that the next hand may be the winner or the next lottery ticket will be the big one.  Now look at alcoholism - it destroys by driving wedges between people and fighting ensues.  It wields a force in someone so strong that even if the closest person to them says their drinking is a problem, that person will not hear them nor will they want to give up the nature of their addiction to alcohol.

     You say that this issue causes fights.  If a person loves someone else more than they love a material thing, then they will be willing to give up that material thing.  If they love the material thing better, then there may be problems down the road.

    Here is a suggestion: educate yourself and hopefully your boyfriend will as well.  Alcohol is a depressant and it is addictive.  It causes alcoholism.  If I had known what I know now when I started drinking at 18, I would never have taken my first drink, but I did.

    Attend some "open" Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and experience some stories from people who will tell you how they drank and what happened to their lives.  If you are not alcoholic, you will be saddened to hear the devastation that a "liquid" has one a person and their family.  If you are alcoholic, it will put a scare into you and your own use of alcohol.

    Only your boyfriend can say if he is having a problem with alcohol.  I hope he would be open to educating himself on it before it is too late.

    Write again if I may be any further help and thanks gain for the questions.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde