Expert: Clyde - 7/31/2009

Question
My husband has been sober for 9 months.  He is in AA and claims to have gone through the steps.  He has gone through several sponsors, many of whom he has had to leave because they relapsed themselves, others he just didn't get along with.  He spends all of his time going to meetings and hanging out after the meetings with his sober friends.  I understand that sobriety is his number one priority right now, but it seems like other parts of his life should be changing too.  He keeps saying he needs to find a balance between AA and home, but he isn't doing anything about it.  He says that to keep what he has he has to give it away, meaning helping others, but he hasn't made the changes in his life yet.

He won't get a job or even look for a job.  We have one son, and I don't make enough money to support our family.  I am always worried about how to pay bills and rent.  He takes money from me all the time and lies about it.  He will sneak my debit card and use it on taking friends out to eat after meetings and buying cigarettes, even when my bank account is negative and I get charged $25 for each transaction.  When I find out, he gets upset with himself and swears he will never do it again, but this happens at least twice a month, costing about $200 each time.

His daily routine includes sleeping until about 3 in the afternoon.  Then he gets up and talks to sponsor and friends on the phone for about an hour.  Then he takes about an hour to get ready, and by 5 he's gone for the night from one meeting to another and talking to different people trying to help them and hanging out until 1 or 2 am.  During all of this, I am working from home, taking care of our son, and taking care of the house.  Every night he tells us he will be home after the meeting, and every night something or someone needs him and he doesn't come home.  I know he is not drinking and I know he is at these meetings.

My main question is:  Why is he still behaving like this?  Is it that alcohol wasn't really the problem?  I'm proud of him for staying sober, but things haven't really changed for my son and I.  He still is not helping financially or otherwise to take care of us, and he is still making things worse for me by lying and taking money.  He doesn't spend any time with us, and my 6-year-old son gets very upset and says that Daddy only cares about his meetings.  I'm starting to wonder if this is just how he is, that he won't take care of his family and he will continue to lie to me if I stay with him.

Answer
Sarah,
    Thank you for your question and for giving me some idea of his sobriety thus far.

    The first thing I suggest is that either you ask him to let you read the chapters in the Big Book of AA entitled "The Family Afterwards" and "To Wives"or that your buy a copy of the Big Book for yourself.  It may serve a good purpose to let him know that you are going to do this and that you have read it when you finish.  This will answer many of your questions about his seemingly obsessive nature with AA and his new found life.

    It is not acceptable for him to be stealing money from you and then telling lies about doing it.  This is not good sobriety or recovery.  There is not much you can do about it unless you want to confront him on it and let him know that it is not acceptable for him to tells lies. If he needs the money and you feel that you can allow it, then by all means allow him to have it for AA purposes.  He does not need to be buying for all his AA buddies and he certainly should not be providing much in the way of financial help to newcomers.  That is termed "enabling" if we help someone too much.  We need to allow them to suffer the consequences of their drinking life and take care of themselves.  He may be going overboard with helping out and that needs to be addressed.

    The changing of sponsors so soon and so many in just nine months may signal that he is not really doing the deal in terms of honesty. He may be seeking sponsors who will tell him what he wants to hear and that is another form of lieing about our life.  A sponsor is someone with whom we will share the truth.  This may or may not be the reason so do not accuse but be aware that it could signal some tendency to run from the truth.  If you can get near his sponsor and have a relationship with him that works, you might want to share some of your concerns with him.  This is not gossip and you do not want to do it for spite but his sponsor may use it to help him continue in his program.  You will want to let the sponsor know that you are merely sharing some information and do not expect any further conversations about the use of that information. Some sponsors will be receptive and some will not.

     I hope that these few tidbits may help and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde