Expert: Rebos - 7/6/2009

Question
Hi there,
I would very much appreciate your help.  I am very concerned about a family member who I think has a problem with his drinking.  I don't live with him so I'm not sure if he drinks every day but I would think there is a good possibility that he does, and that he drinks quite a lot a few times a week.  While having a few drinks on board, he has done things that are out of control - crashed a car (the fact that he was even driving one is unbelievable to me), lost items of clothing, phones, etc.  The problem is that anytime I have spoken to him about it we end up having an argument because I say he is an alcoholic and he says that places like AA want to call everyone who has a few drinks an alcoholic.  He has promised to give up drinking and has gone without it for a month at a time or sometimes for Lent or something like that.  But his constant retort is that he likes drinking, he doesn't have a problem.  He could give it up - he just doesn't want to.  I don't really know how to help him.  His behaviour is damaging is relationships with family members but he always says that's their fault because they're making a big deal of him having a few drinks.  Whenever he goes out now he is unpredictable because I feel that you never know when you'll get a phone call to say he's in trouble or has to be collected.  Some others in the family think I am being over-dramatic when I tell him he's an alcoholic - is this true?  I don't know what makes an alcoholic, I just think that if it's causing this much trouble then drinking is not worth it.  It should be something to be enjoyed in moderation - the emphasis on enjoy - but at the moment it's just stressful for everyone.  I'm very worried that things are going to get worse, not better.  Everyone says that alcoholism is a disease that gets worse.  Is there anything that I can do or any advice that you can give me?  Even anything I can say to him that might get him thinking about it?  The person I am talking about is so talented - he's attractive, charming, charismatic.  The thought of the damage that his drinking is doing and could do to his life is devastating.  I want to help him if I can.  Anything you could suggest would be very much appreciated.  
Thank you in advance!

Answer
Good morning Angela and thank you for your question.

From what you have described it sounds like your family member is having a problem drinking alcohol. Whether he is an alcoholic or not is another question in order for it to be meaningful for him to do anything about it. His family should be going to Alanon for the skeptics to find out once and for all. If you don’t already know, Alanon is a world–wide “anonymous program” attended by people who have an alcoholic in their lives and don’t know what to do about it. By attending Alanon meetings they will find that their situation is not quite as unique as they may think. At Alanon they will learn about the disease of alcoholism and how they can manage “their” unmanageable lives as a result of his alcoholism. They will quickly be relieved to know that there is hope for them, (as others have) whom they will meet there. There is no cost to attend, and meetings usually last about an hour. As a fringe benefit, in addition to learning how to help them contend with his drinking they may (if they choose) also make many long lasting friendships. At the meetings they will learn how to “say what they mean… mean what they say and… not be mean when they say it”. They will learn how to emotionally detach from your family member’s alcoholism… with love. They will also learn how to live “guilt free” when they find that they are not the problem but the victims. They will also learn how to be strong enough to resist the negative influence that he has over their lives. Alanon is intended to help them, not the alcoholic directly. If it is at all possible to help, they must first learn to help themselves. Alcoholism is a societal disease that affects everyone (friends, family, and employers etc) who comes into contact with an active alcoholic. Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! The family may not be able to do anything about his drinking but they can do something about the problem that has developed in their lives. Until they are armed with the right kind of information and understand the disease for what it really is, their efforts to help will be a waste of time.

Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. For meeting locations, you can call your local Al-Anon chapter by checking your local phone book under "Alcoholism" or calling the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

It is believed by many in the field of alcoholism that it is a three-fold illness…mental, physical and spiritual.

The “mental” part of the illness refers to the alcoholic’s mental obsession to drink. If you will, the thought that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. In so many words, thinking about the drink in between the drinks. The alcoholic never seems to worry about the drink in front of them, but they continually think of the next one. The “physical” aspect of the disease is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over in the form of a deep incessant craving that the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of the illness (not spiritual in a religious way) is in the loss of the alcoholic’s values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as the drinking continues. It becomes difficult for the alcoholic to determine the difference between right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic develops a change in priorities where drinking becomes more important than health, family, job and friends. A determining factor of alcoholism is that it makes no difference… how much a person drinks, where they drink it, what they drink or who even who they drink it with, the key is; what does it do to them when they drink? If drinking causes problems then it is a problem!

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but “a symptom of a deeper underlying problem” that must be faced up to by the alcoholic in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before the alcoholic has to drink again. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” containing only 0.05% of alcohol! For the alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor "understands" that the doctor is dealing with an addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping drinking. A bottom can be likened to going down on an elevator. The alcoholic can get of at any floor they want to. There is no need for him to go all the way to the bottom floor. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! There is hope, for there are many alcoholics that have stopped drinking and stayed stopped under the right conditions. On the other hand, even when a person is in a recovery program (like AA) and has stayed sober for an extremely long period of time there is little guarantee that they can stay sober unless they remain vigilant and continue with their recovery on a one day at a time basis. There can be no let up, not even for a moment! Thank you Rebos