Expert: Druideck - 7/14/2009

Question
QUESTION: I have been married to a man that has always been a drinker.  We have been married for 27 years and it seems that his alcohol consumption has greatly increased.  I have battled with this our entire married life and have come to the end of the road with it.  He doesn't want to carry on a conversation of any type unless he has had a couple of beers.  I will admit that I went through a period of joining him just so I could find a way to connect with him and have conversation.  As time went on our conversations started to get heated and we would end up disagreeing with about anything we talked about.  I tried to connect with him in a loving way only to be pushed away emotionally and physically with him telling me that he was too tired..it was time to go to bed and we would walk away.  This of course made me withdraw from the intimate part of our relationship.  We have not been intimate for over a year..It seemed like the only time he wanted sex is when he has had some beers.  I cannot remember the last time we were intimate without alcohol involved.  A few years ago I suggested to him that we start finding things to do since the kids were leaving for college...that I was not going to sit around home and drink beer with him the rest of my life...his response...you really need to get a life...so I have been getting a life...connecting with old friends...making new friends going places without him and it seems that we have most certainly drifted further apart.   He will come home from work and drink 6-14 beers a night.  He may take a night of here and there but for the most part this is my life.  Sometimes he will eat supper but for the most times when he has had enough he just heads straight to bed.  He told me a few months ago that he did not think things were working out...I have tried to discuss the issues with him...told him that his drinking has basically ruined our relationship..he just looks at me says nothing.  He continues to drink.  I have been to counseling and have seen an attorney.  Financially I cannot make it on my own, or I would leave.  Ending the marriage and spitting property and alimony at this time is my only answer...Why do I find it so hard to move on?  As I write this I think, that an outsider would say do what you have to do..just get the heck out and take what you can get.  Just get out.  Starting over is so scary for me but I keep thinking about what I could have without all the turmoil going inside of me while he continues to drink as much as he wants

ANSWER: Jaque,

most certainly anyone on the outside
would tell you it's easy, just pack up
and leave. Of course they are misguided
in their view of it being something
easy to do.

You have been in this "relationship"
for reasons of your own. They may be
subconscious or not.
It may amaze you that you stayed with
a man that seems to have offered you
little of what you were craving.
I suggest that your efforts to change
him have been because you wanted
to overcome your own feelings
of lack. This need may be from
a childhood lack of love or connection
with someone important like a parent.
Trying to overcome our past can keep
us trying to get love from someone
that is incapable of giving it.
Your husband may have reasons for his
own emotional damage and drinking
has served to bury that pain.
Eventually drinking takes over the
man and he loses any ability of
becoming a whole person.
You have as you mentioned had other
considerations for staying like
financial etc.
This is not really about leaving
or staying but about your inner
needs and how you satisfy them.
You have made a good start by
reconnecting with friends
and finding other activities
to take your focus off your husband
and onto yourself where it should be.
You need to get the things you
want from another place.
Your husband is getting less and less
resources to give to you.
This is evidenced by his silence and
his lack of desire to connect with
you on any level.
He cannot provide the love, intimacy
or emotional support you want.
He is a very ill man at this point
and alcohol takes up all his time.
He is like drawing water from an empty
well.
It is not up to you to "fix" or repair him.
Your responsibility is to recover
yourself from this long marriage of lack.
Stay if you need to but work on getting
your focus of attention onto yourself.
First thing is when you are drawn to
look at what he is not doing for you
or himself is too point the finger
back at yourself and say,
he is a separate human being and
it is not up to me to change him.
Work on making yourself feel good
about you.
Finally, get Robin Norwood's
books on "Women who love too much"
Probably on eBay, Amazon or book stores.
Worth their weight in gold.
Read them until you cry, then you
will start to heal.
Take care.
Druideck


































---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Not sure if this turns into a question, but I showed my husband this question and answer, I asked him to read it..he went to another room....I guess he read it?..he said nothing to me, just went to bed.  And since he had no beers tonight. I guess this should not surprise me.  I am only left to wonder....again

Answer
Jaque,

are you still trying to influence him?
My advice was to focus on yourself.
You can now see how hard this is to do.
What was your motive in showing him this
dialogue? Are you still trying to
change him or manipulate a response from him?
These are the kind of questions you must
ask yourself.
When you next feel like focusing on him,
take a breath and stop. Then do what
you can to let him be and work on
your needs a different way. Try
calling a friend or some other
activity that doesn't involve being
obscessed with your husbands reactions.
I know it is tough but this is how you
learn to detach from helping and pleasing
others when they don't ask for it specifically.

Good luck!