Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 7/15/2009

Question
Dear Jan,

My husband and I have been married for 14 years and have been together for 18 years.  He drank and smoked cigarettes when I met him.  My father was an alcoholic and my husband promised me that after we got married he would quit however it has only gotten worse over the years. He has tried to quit smoking several times over he years and I think does for a while and then I catch him sneaking them.  Of course he will lie to my face until I catch him in the act.  As far as the drinking is has only gotten worse.  I would say he drinks at least 2 cases a week.  The only good think is he isn't drinking and driving so he is just hurting himself and of course the rest of the family.  He isn't physically abuse just mentally and emotionally which of course he doesn't realize.  We have two beautiful children which he doesn't spend much time with because he is in the garage drinking from 6:30 to 11 at night when he gets home.  He sleepwalks and many times gets confused as to where he is and urinates on the floor in the middle of the night when he gets up to go the bathroom.  He says he is just extremely tried and that is why this is happening but I think it is the alcohol.  He always says he is sorry and that he is going to cut back but it never happens.  I don't think he is one that can cut back it is all or nothing with him.

What can I do to help him? He is starting to age do to all the drinking and smoking and worry about all the health issues that are going to follow these diseases.  I don't want to grow old living this kind of lifestyle nor to I want my kids to grow up thinking it is okay because dad does it.  I love him to death when he isn't doing his habits but I hate the person he turns in to.  I have gotten to the point that I don't even want to go on vacation with him because he drinks and then picks on the kids.  Seems like he isn't happy until he picks until they cry.

I am thinking of starting AA just for myself to be able to cope.  I know he won't go and I can't make him but maybe it would help me.   Any suggestions you have would be greatly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Trish

Answer
Hello Trish,
It is indeed painful and frustrating watching a loved one's drinking destroy himself and emotionally damage those who love him. All of the behaviors you described, including urinating on the floor, negative personality change, abuse of those close to him, tension in relationships, the excuses, the unfulfilled promises to do better, are clearly the result of your husband's alcoholism.

This situation is one that is difficult to handle on your own. It is important to be direct with your husband about his alcoholism and its effects on you and the children. Always try when speaking to your husband, to do so when he is sober and to preface all discussions with a caring statement: for example, "I love you too much to watch you doing..." I suggest that you consider taking a clear stand with this man, telling him that your marriage may be in jeopardy unless he gets sober and stays sober through treatment and AA. I realize that it is emotionally difficult to give a firm ultimatum that the marriage could be over unless he stops drinking for good and goes to AA, and suggest you think about getting help and support from Al-Anon, the 12 Step program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ I think Al-Anon would be more appropriate for you than AA. Let your husband know you are attending Al-Anon, unless it is too dangerous from an emotional or physically abusive standpoint.

In addition, in an age appropriate manner, I suggest that you speak honestly to your children, and let your husband know you have done so, about their Dad's alcoholism, stressing that alcoholism is considered a disease or illness that needs to be treated, and that they are not at fault for any of your husband's drinking behaviors. This website has information for children of alcoholics: http://www.adultchildren.org/ Check out my website for further help and information.Good luck to you.

Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com