Expert: Clyde - 7/26/2009

Question
Thank you so much for your answer. No, I am not an alcoholic, I rarely drink, it's like 2 times a week tops. To give you a little bit of more insight I talked to him yesterday. He was planning on going later on to his best friends house and drink there. He was planning on going back to his house, so he couldn't get drunk. When I addressed the situation saying that it made me worried and uncomfortable he said hes been drinking since 14. He likes the feeling of being buzzed, I guess. That it would be like asking me to stop doing something I liked doing. He says he feels more relaxed and it's "all about enjoying the drink and the conversation". He's like the man of the house (no father, takes care of mom and stuff) so he lives a stressful life. I know that no excuse, and its always ok to have fun, but in moderation. He told me in a week he can drink up to 4 times. He also told me that if I keep pressuring him to control himself he'll only want to do it more. I told him it's not my fault or responsibility, I just cared for him. He agreed that he is and will keep controlling himself, but he won't stop drinking. I know you can't change a person, they have to want to change. He says he loves me and that I'm much more important than alcohol. I asked him if he had to choose, he said both. I told him you can't have both ways. He said me, but I think it was just to stop fighting. He has also said he'd do anything to make us work.

Answer
Andrea,
    Thank you for the followup.  It is always good to hear back on what was suggested and what the situation might look like now.

    You do not say what may have transpired in your conversations about AA or reading the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.  Is he willing to educate himself in an objective way?  That might be the next conversation.  You both need to know some of the experiences drunks have had so as to decide what is acceptable drinking habits.  Reading the Big Book or attending some AA open meetings would be helpful.  It would also give you some idea of what alcoholics say about their drinking and what you are witnessing in his. It could be the "compromise" way to further your relationship.

    I would suggest that if he will not agree to educate himself seriously, then it is time for you to do some soul-searching.  Do you desire to have the possibility of alcoholism in your midst from here on out?  Do you desire to have offspring who could be prone to drinking as well?  It is suspected that alcoholism is hereditary.  Do you want to continue to fight against his decision to drink regardless of your opinions?

    His description of his drinking - to relax, etc. and the fact that he uses it for stress relief are two erroneous reasons to drink.  The "buzz" is not the reason for drinking.  Not that I know of any real good reason to drink given the aforementioned reasons, but it would seem to me a non-alcoholic might agree that the only god reason is to be social.  Get this - (because he won't) - a social drinker would have half a glass of wine and never think twice about leaving the rest behind.  A cocktail would be sipped and 3/4's left on the table to get watered down. See, the reason would have been social.  The alcoholic would die to see someone waste a half full wine glass and would be furious that someone would allow a good bourbon to be wasted by watering it down.  An alcoholic never drinks one drink - it would not compute.

   I hope this may help and write again if I may be of any further help.



Grace and Peace,
Clyde