Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 7/26/2009

Question
i have recently reconnected to a friend that i knew many, many yrs ago. we lost touch after he moved and so forth. we visited with each other this saturday for a few hrs, it was great to catch up. he says he went thru a bad time and ended up signing himself into rehab, he was never an addict before, but life changes in many ways. between alcohol & prescription drugs for pain (surgery), he became addicted. his life went downhill as he says, it ended up ruining his marriage. now he has been clean for 2 yrs, changed his environment, unfortunately ended up in divorce, i can see his sadness, he thinks has moved forward, but they are close. he says he put her thru hell and of course wishes he had gone in before it led to divorce..
his sponsor advises, during the next 2-3 yrs. no major purchases, no getting involved with anyone, basically no major changes. i understand this, because you don't want to change one addiction for another and the euphoria/dopamine of a big purchase or sex.. can be addicting.
how do i act with my friend? i am female, he is male, we had a dating relationship way back and still have a great attraction for each other, but i do not want to do anything that will cause harm. its good that i live a few hrs away. he dated someone recently, against his sponsors advice, and it ended badly. what should i do? we will probably hang out as friends infrequently, but i am guilty of having that attraction for him, yet at the same time wanting him to keep it together and if it would make him happy, reconnecting with his exwife. such a dilemma for me, wanting my friend again, but not wanting to distract him from his recovery. can you advise me?

Answer
Hello Caring friend,
You are indeed a caring friend seeking to be sure to not inadvertently endanger your friend's recovery. The first concept to bear in mind is that his recovery is his responsibility and that he must make his own choices to safeguard his recovery. In the 12 Step Program for those in a caring relationship with an addict or alcoholic, Al-Anon, it is often emphasized that you are powerless over his addiction and recovery. I think the best approach is honesty, letting him know of your interest but stating your concern about his recovery and your respect for it, and then asking how you can be supportive of him. He has two years clean and sober, and we usually say that the newly recovering person needs to avoid romantice relationships for at least a year. So, he may be able to get involved now without endangering his recovery as long as he continues to go to meetings, work with his sponsor, etc. Bear in mind that often romantic relationships is an area in which recovering people tend to be most vulnerable and the least adept at handling. You may wish to learn more about recovery and how to take care of yourself and be sensitive to your friend's recovery by checking out Al-Anon: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Good luck.
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com