Expert: Beverley Glazer - 8/13/2009

Question
First let me say that I feel blessed to come across your name on the internet because I have no one to talk to. Yes I'm married but my husband is my son's stepfather, has never had any children and he doesn't understand what a Mother goes through from the heartache I feel right now. My 23 year old son just threw away a 5 year career in the Navy over alcohol. He was arrested in December 2008 for a DUI (I didn't find out until June 2009) and was going through Navy offered classes and rehab. He had paid off a high dollar amount in fines, performed community service, license revoked for 1 year and was scheduled to complete all programs on August 10th 2009. I received a letter from him on August 10th (through the Department of Corrections) that he was in Duval County jail in Florida on a second DUI charge and that the Navy has booted him out. In this letter he says he made "bad decisions" and I'm just livid at his ignorance as he learned nothing the first time he went through this. I am just sick.
He was stationed in Jacksonville FL and I live in Alabama and there's nothing that I can do financially for him (bail, fines, etc) because I cannot afford it nor do I want him to be in a mind frame thinking I'll "bailed him out" because I don't want this to be easy for him. Please just talk to me and tell me what to put in the letters I write him while he's incarcerated because I'm broken between love and anger right now.
Thanks for your help.

Answer
Hi Susanne,

I understand how hurt and angry you must feel, but believe it or not, this might be the best thing that ever happened to your son. I know it sounds crazy, but I've seen and heard former inmates say 'prison saved my life'.

The DUI was a wake-up call and the Navy gave him the opportunity to shape up. I'm sure he wanted to but he just couldn't do it.

Now that he's in jail, he has plenty of time to think. In AA they say that you have to 'hit bottom'. Hopefully, this experience will be the bottom. There are 12 step meetings, pastoral counseling, etc in prisons. He should go to them.
When he goes to meetings he should also follow the 12 steps:

These are the steps: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/12-step-program-of-aa.html

As a mom, I'm sure you want to bail him out, but even if you have the means, you're right, nothing should be easy. He has to suffer to make a change.

As for you, Al-anon may be a perfect answer to give you the support and comfort you need. All the members are in similar situations and you'll realize that you're not alone in this.

As for what to write to him -- tell him the truth. Both you and his step-dad are devistated, but you still believe that he will use this opportunity to turn his life around. Tell him to take whatever self-help programs and anything else that's positive in there.

Don't dwell on the negative (although there's lots of that) Tell him that you believe he was sick and that now without alcohol and drugs, he can learn to turn his life around.

I hope this information is helpful and thank you for writing all experts,

Best wishes

Beverley Glazer
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com