Expert: Druideck - 8/21/2009

Question
My boyfriend's sister has been having problems with alcohol in the past few months, and it has recently gotten worse, leading her to irrational behavior, such as calling the police on her own family members when they would not let her use her car or tried to take her to a women's shelter. She denies that she has a problem, and her behavior is putting a strain on my boyfriend's family. I wish that I could do something to help, but I'm not in a position to intervene because I'm not officially part of the family. I don't know of any free counseling or clinics in the area where they live, and I don't know how anyone could convince the sister to get help. Is there anything I can do to help, or do I just need to detach from the situation and pray it gets better? I am very worried about her.

Answer
Glennis,

Alcohol problems are tough to deal with
especially if the person is in denial
or not asking or wanting any help.

It is common for drinkers to be in
denial, it is part of the addictive illness.
The hard part is trying to make a crack
in that denial.

Occasionally a person can be helped
by an intervention which is
organized by a qualified counsellor to put some
pressure on the drinker by means of
consquences for their bad behaviour.

They are given a chance for alcohol
treatment and support or facing the consequences their problem
causes alone and without support. It is their
own choice and responsibility then.

Other times only the bad consequences
can encourage a problem drinker
into seeking help.
This is hard because we worry about
their well-being.

The sooner we stop helping the sooner the
problem may come to a head.
It is hard to detach but it may be
the thing that helps the most.

When she sees that nobody is going
to cushion her irresponsible
behaviour she will be faced with
herself. This is when change becomes
possible.

If you try to help in ways that make
it possible for her to behave badly
and keep drinking then you are not
really helping her.

If you try to help you will end up
draining yourself emotionally and resenting her.
This is a very difficult illness and
does not respond to kindness initially.

Only help generously when it involves her attending
counselling, detox, addiction treatment and Alcoholics Anonymous.
Other kinds of help will contribute to her problem,
things like lending money and fixing fines or tickets
are a no no.

If the family gets involved with the wrong
motivations they will prolong her problem
and feel frustrated and angry when she
refuses to respond to their kindness.


Take care!