AboutAmarnath.B Expertise Helping build recovery in the lives of individuals, families and communities affected by alcoholism, drug dependency and related diseases.
Involved in counseling/rehabilitation.
Can answer any question on this subject.
Experience 8 Years of Counseling in chemical dependency.
Education/Credentials Graduate/Post Graduate
DLCAS Hazelden/Addiction Studies/Theory & Practice of Addiction Counseling/Dual Disorders.
HIV/AIDS & Substance Abuse.
Can answer any questions on Alcohol related problems.
Question Dear Amarnath, I find myself in a chaotic and desperate situation. I was in a very intense relationship with an alcoholic for a year and a half. Within a month of meeting each other, we had both fallen in love and were willing to be together even though that would mean having a long distance relationship for over a year. After the first couple of months weird, illogical, un-empathic thinigs started to occur but it wasn't till a bit past a year of being together that the pieces came into place and it became obvious that she had a strong drinking problem. By that time I had already become quite controlling and anxious about my 27 year old partner's life in general, her nights out, her not attending class in university, not compling to min. university demands and then, after she managed to graduate, not getting up mornings or consistently job searching, etc. The worst though, was her begining to see me as a judgmental and anal person, something she still thinks even after I have given consistent proof I have been supportive and non-judgmental, even when she filled me in on her infidelities and occasionally using other hard drugs.
Long story short, we tried to work it out, although the whole situation seemed insane and I personally received no support from her in any area and she almost completely lacked empathy to understand that things such as disappearing for days and emotional violence were really affecting my sanity. Soon things became illogical, I would always be convinced by her, even if her explanations were crazy. This led to my understanding of the world getting very mixed up, may capacity to differentiate good from bad and right from wrong got messed up. We had a talk and she admitted that she had a drinking problem, that she'd had it for years, but that she was "fine" with it, even if sometimes, when she was in a lucid un-denying period it would bring her to tears and desperation. She then got very annoyed and told me I should love her as she was and not insist on changing her. I told her I was going to begin going to Al-anon because I couldn't continue that way, but she took it defensively and laughed it off making me feel like a nut. Al-anon was the best decision I could have taken, suddenly things started to fall into place and my confusion and unrest started to cease. She kept up the drinking and partying, the relationship got very difficult and amongst other things I decided to move into the same city, partly to give our love a chance. A month away from moving in she cheated on me, then disappeared and spent the night at her ex's. I broke up with her, it was hell, if it hadn't been for Al-anon I don't know what would have become of me, since at that time my friends were sick of the subject and felt like they kept on repeating themselves and I wasn't helping myself towards getting better. The truth is I didn't know how to do that either. When I moved to the same city, we got back together the same day, all the things I had learnt and thought those months disappeared, the fact she had been with other people and had been drinking almost everyday and almost not sleeping, also became secondary. We were together for 4 months, the drinking was apparent although she would curb it when she was around me and to be honest, she has a high level of resistance to it, so it's difficult to know how much she has been drinking unless she's falling around the place or passing out. The disappearing continued, the illogical situations and non-empathetical moments also came back. I broke it off for the last time and a couple of days after she was already sleeping with someone else. My life crumbled into pieces, I was professionally doing very well, my friends and family were very supportive, but my life just dissolved. I started going to therapy and after months, things started getting a tiny bit better. As I was starting to see the light, a very close relative of hers died and I got in touch with her, we ended up becoming lovers. It was wonderful, our love was still there, I was freer than before and less restraining, things flowed and she was more caring. I wanted to get back with her, but she was still seeing this person that she hooked up with after we broke up. She still had strong feelings for me, she got very confused and that started hurting her. I didn't want to bring her pain in a difficult mourning period, but offered my company. She insisted that she was drinking and using more drugs than before, that she had no direction and found no sense in life and basically that everything was more out of control and that she didn't want to continue hurting me, plus this new person gave her everything and didn't demand anything back and she wanted to give it a chance. She decided to get back with this other person, and a part of me was relieved, because I would have tried again, as crazy and damaging as that might sound. Thing is, its been 2 weeks since it ended, I've hardly heard from her and I'm worse than ever before!!! I've touched rock bottom in a worse way than ever before. I hardly see any sense to myself or to life, although I have a stimulating job I have ceased to care about it, I can't sleep at night, I started to drink more and even when I try to get on with it I get tormented with sadness, anger and a feeling that there is nothing I can do, even though I completely am in love with this person who has hurt me so much, and so many times. I don't know what to do, she is out of my life, which theoretically is a good thing, but it has made everything worse. The alcoholic is out of my everyday life and ironically my life has become more unbearable and totally chaotic. Is this normal? What can be done? Is this some kind of withdrawal symptom i'm having? How does it go away? what can I expect of this situation? My therapist says I'll pull through and I'll prob. go on medication this week to try and find "some" stability because emotionally i've become very unstable these past days... I'm trying to do my best, but this seems to never end...
Hoping your words and advice can help clarify and bring peace to a very tormented person...
Many thanks,
Claud.
Answer Hello Claud,
At the outset, I apologize for the delay in replying your question.
Here’s what I have to say. I think more than love it was infatuation that drove you to her even after all the hurt and pain you’ve been through in this relationship. An addict can influence anyone’s mind by their scheming, selfish, self-centered, motives. And most of the times they do it unconsciously. Their lies become pathological and even when they want to tell the truth they end up lying. More than physical you got emotionally attached to her. You felt a sense of overbearing towards her and actually wanted to protect her. In fact you were actually imposing yourself on her and this made you more vulnerable. You just wanted to be a martyr. Or are you one of the lonely sorts looking for a crutch?
Claude, instead of helping her you became an enabler. The emotional and moral support which you intended to give or thought you were giving made your girlfriend take you for granted. You became a doormat and never realized it. Have you realized that you are already showing the traits of becoming an alcoholic yourself. It’s time you stand up and realize that you are actually lucky to have come out of this traumatic relationship. There is no need for you to go into remorse or guilt. You did your best but it turns out that you are more emotionally affected than your girlfriend.
Claude, I suggest you take a break. You don’t need medication but what you need is to be among people where you can receive positive energy. Go out for a small holiday to a quiet and serene place. This will be very therapeutic for you. Continue to go for Al-Anon meetings.
Claude, I have tried to explain to you in a very simple language. I did not want to complicate your already confused self by giving an eloquent and rhetoric explanation to your emotional/ mental disturbance. As I perceive, there is nothing wrong with you. It was just an infatuated phase you went through. You will get over it soon, trust me. Pray hard. Prayer is the only way you can come out of difficult situations not medication.
Claude, I hope and pray that you get back on a positive track soon. Please do not hesitate to mail me if you have any questions or concerns.
