AboutAmarnath.B Expertise Helping build recovery in the lives of individuals, families and communities affected by alcoholism, drug dependency and related diseases.
Involved in counseling/rehabilitation.
Can answer any question on this subject.
Experience 8 Years of Counseling in chemical dependency.
Education/Credentials Graduate/Post Graduate
DLCAS Hazelden/Addiction Studies/Theory & Practice of Addiction Counseling/Dual Disorders.
HIV/AIDS & Substance Abuse.
Can answer any questions on Alcohol related problems.
Question Hello amarnath. Well, my boyfriend of three years discovered he was an alcoholic 2 years ago due to a DWI. He had to go to a place called the Evolution Group. Which was court ordered and made him realize who he was. After he graduated he was on his own, he continued to go to AA meetings, and was always thinking he would fail. Three weeks ago he relapsed and was drunk two weeks straight. I never knew how hard I would take it and I over reacted. He took a oath to start going to AA meetings more often. Just last night I found a bottle under my bed and I'm not sure what I should say or do. This is getting to me more than I thought it ever would, and it hurts. My question is: what should I say to him that i haven't already said? How do I calmly tell him anything? How can I show him how much his sobriety means to me?
Answer Hello Marissa,
Thank you for your question. There is a saying in AA ‘more meetings more chances, less meeting less chances’ of staying sober. Your boyfriend I assume stopped the meetings because either he felt it was not for him or he is still in denial that one day he would be a gentleman drinker. Once a person gets sober, he needs ‘maintenance of his sobriety’ and this is by attending AA meetings regularly, taking up a sponsor, and working the 12 steps. Alcoholism is a disease and it cannot be cured. It can only be arrested by taking one day at a time. The only known way of recovery is through AA and millions of alcoholics are leading a happier and peaceful life much better than the so called normal people around.
I’m going to reiterate the facts of alcoholism like I do for many in a dysfunctional alcoholic relationship. The first thing is to understand the Cycle of Addiction in which you and your boyfriend are in and into which you have become entrapped probably consciously. By understanding that addiction is a physiological illness, based on chemical dependency, which then dominates and warps the psychology of the addict, one is better able to see that the addiction is solely an individual journey for that person. In an alcoholic relationship, the passive partner often suffers as much or more physically and psychologically as the alcoholics themselves. They can get caught up in the behavioral crises of alcoholics in ways which then affect their own behavior and physical and mental health. Poor communication and negative habits or schemes actually affects the other person and unconsciously he/she develops these negative patterns. Remember, Alcoholism is a progressive & fatal disease, and cannot be cured it can only be arrested by total abstinence. The disease however, will continue to grow.
Marissa, you will have to tell your boyfriend how much his sobriety means not just to you but to your relationship as well. Maybe your boyfriend has taken you for granted. This makes you an enabler. I suggest you have a straight and frank talk with your boyfriend when he is sober. Make it very clear to him that your relationship is based on his sobriety. I would also suggest staying apart for a few weeks. Ask your boyfriend to take up a sponsor in AA. Without a sponsor and without working out the 12 steps there are very little chances of your boyfriend getting back to sobriety again. Your boyfriend should start living the AA way of life.
An alcoholic actually starts his life all over again when he gets into recovery and so relationships actually should take a back seat. He needs to change the person that was drinking or his “not drinking” will be temporary. However, in addiction relapse and death are an ever present threat, especially in the first few years. You cannot play a decisive influence in the outcome. Marissa, you have a life to live and you cannot waste away precious time with an active alcoholic. Make this fact very clear to him. He either sobers up or you leave him. You can only give him moral and emotional support for sometime but not at the cost of your own sanity.
Marissa, you have become what is called as ‘codependent’ in this relationship. Al-Anon is a fellowship, an offshoot of AA, for family and friends of alcoholics. Here you will find like minded people who have been through similar situations or worse. I suggest you attend a few of these meetings & it is here you will draw strength & hope in learning how to cope up with an alcoholic. Give it a shot, I'm sure you will gain a lot from these meetings.
Marissa, I hope things work out for you and your boyfriend. I pray that he gets back into recovery again and stays stop. Please do not hesitate to contact me again if you have any questions or concerns.
