Expert: Druideck - 8/20/2009

Question
hi my ex partner who i had been in a relationship with for 13 years and had 3 children is a alcoholic,i left him 6 mths ago which was a really difficult decision to make he had been drinking every day for as long as i can remember i always only thought he drank beer as he always told me he did not touch spirits which i now know is a lie along with everything else he says why is it that people with alcohol problems lie all the time the lying is now more frustrating than the drinking i still feel that i am in denial about how much he drinks but i am learning not to care i can not let this take over my life anymore i have 3 children to care for,he does now not help financially towards the children and just tells lies every day,he has been told that he is physiologically dept on alcohol not physically he went to detox where he only spent 2 days then left he continues to try to control everyones lifes and does not think he needs to do anything about his problem when does a person hit rock bottom he has already lost his job his home his partner and respect from his children and still continues to drink ? he still trys to tell me i would be better off in a relationship with him that i am being cruel taking the children away from there father sometimes i still doubt myself.

Answer
Hi Kelly,

Alcoholics that are still ill and not
actively seeking and practising a
recovery program are prone to lying
because of the strong denial they
have. The denial process helps
to keep them drinking and works
to protect the illness from any
threat.

If they have had enough of their problems
and can see they need help then recovery
is possible. Many alcoholics go to their
death proclaiming they have no problem
with drinking. This is how powerful this
illness is.

Some alcoholics hit bottom early
and some lose everything and keep
drinking, there is no set pattern.

There is an old AA saying that recovery
is possible when an alcoholic is sick and
tired of being sick and tired.

The co-alcoholic such as yourself
often is obscessed with the alcoholic
and his behaviours.
This is part of a thinking illness developed
by living with an alcoholic.
Spouses often have problems letting go
even after the relationship has apparently
ended.

Co-alcoholics will often attract another
alcohol subconsciously if they do not
become aware of their obscession
with alcoholics and change their
thinking and behaviour patterns.

Fixing other people is often a co-alcoholics
focus. They try to help whenever possible
to avoid working on their own problems.
Helping someone else allows you to take
the focus off things you may need to
do in your own life. This is co-dependence
and can affect a person's life just
as strongly as alcohol affects
an alcoholic.
It is also an obscessive and compulsive illness
which responds to treatment such as Al-Anon.

Alcoholics will use any manipulation to
get their self-centered demands met.
This includes lies, promises and oaths,
but you probably know that already.

Take care!