Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 8/22/2009

Question
i had been seeing a man for 9 months. for the first 1-2 months i did not realize, at all, that he had a problem with alcohol, but i definitely noticed that he would say very cutting and off-the-wall critical things to me. i finally pieced that together with the fact that he is an alcoholic (hard to detect-goes out and can leave 1/2 a beer on the table- nice home, good job) as i got further along in the relationship i found out about the fact that he will polish off every bit of alcohol in his house at 2:00 a.m. when he cannot sleep, needs to have at least a beer to calm him down when he comes home from work, etc.  then i knew i had to deal- we discussed this issue (that "maybe" he had a problem- which he thought "maybe" he did). he would ask me if i minded if he had one more beer? would i be disappointed in him if he did? my stand was always: "i cannot tell you what to do and i will not ask you to stop. that is up to you". once he realized i knew what was going on i believe the whole relationship started to change. to me, he was slowly backing out. he promised to take me to meet his family on several occasions (they live approx 2 hours away- and i know for a fact that this is true). he spends every single holiday w/ them since we met and has never included me. he has two children from a prior marriage. he very much wanted me involved in their lives, but only at his home- he would never carry that over to when they were all together with his family in his hometown, 2 hours away.  when his ex-wife came to pick up the kids he would more than likely be drinking heavily that day and i would be at his house playing board games or cards with his kids while he was pounding beers until she got there.  they do not talk at all other than to make plans around the kids, and he never introduced me to her when she came. i was feeling emotionally abused, used, and confused.  earlier on, when i did not know about the alcohol, but hated his critical and demeaning remarks to me, i attempted to break off the relationship, and he would call me several times a day and cried to me on one occasion.    by this summer, i ended it. when the fourth of july came and he promised to take me to meet his family, and that fell thru..along with the fact that he went back to his family's home w/ his kids for the holiday weekend and didn't even call me for two days while he was away i knew i had enough.
okay..here is where I know I have a problem.  I ended it, he has tried to contact me and i have been polite, but very firm (just saying thanks for saying hello but enough has been said already)...but what i truly want is a relationship w/ him. i have been pouring over books on co-dependency. i don't believe i enabled him once i discovered his problem, but it is like i am a "closet co-dependent". i want a relationship w/him (a sober relationship)..he just does not know it.  and i then struggle with this : did he say rotten things to me because of the alcohol or was that an intentional power ploy to "keep me down" (he would criticize my hair, my choice of clothes)?  he was able to totally stop it once i called him on it.

Answer
Hello Heather,
Sorry for the delay in responding. You sound as if you have handled the situation quite well, I do not see that you have acted as an enabler or that you are codependent. What I see is a woman who has made a tough decision to tell the man she loves that no relationship is possible right now. I frequently remind people that one can love an individual and still realize that the relationship cannot work and end it. Perhaps you might consider making it clear, if you feel you have not yet done so, to this man that you love him but that no relationship is possible unless he gets treatment and gets sober and maintains sobriety, hopefully in AA, for a significant period of time (six months or more) before you would consider trying to resume the relationship. However, I do not think that you should put your life on hold waiting for what may never happen, and suggest you consider investigating Al-Anon, the 12 Step Program for those who love an alcoholic: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ to help you be good to yourself and live life without being unduly burdened by this situation. There are other resources on my website listed below, plus opportunity for professional help. Good luck,
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com