Expert: Clyde - 8/5/2009

Question
Hello,  I am writing because I am confused as to what to do in a what seems to be a helpless situation.  My husband of 25 year  has developed a severe personality change including: change in friendship base, struggling in his faith, irresponsible behavior,
change in moral beliefs.   He also has decided that the marriage and family is not really that important to him anymore.  This is such a direct change from what my 3 daughters ages 15,19 and 25 know of him we believe there is a alcohol problem.  We did a family intervention with a family friend who is an MD and he denied everything.  He has gone for a physical and convinced the doctor the he is not an alcoholic.  I asked him to leave the home but afterward he lied and manipulated his way back in and now I cannot get him to leave unless I file a restraining order.  My daughters and I feel trapped.

Answer
Jennifer,
     Thank you for your message.  What you describe is the "proverbial" mid-life crisis for the male.  Things come crashing in on our world just as we think things will be settling down for a quiet downhill slide into old age.  Life doesn't always work like that.

     Now, add to that the disease of alcoholism and you have a very good mix for not only the mid-life crisis but doubts, and questions and remorse and guilt and regrets for what life doesn't seem to be turning out to be.  Not even three beautiful children and and a devoted wife can make up for the sense of utter loss.

     That paints a pretty bleak picture doesn't it?  Well, the crisis must pass and it is up to him to navigate the waters of the recovery.  Hopefully, he will make a successful return but not all men do.  Prayer works wonders for them.

     Only your husband can say whether he is an alcoholic or not.  Your accusations have evidently angered him, although they are probably pretty well grounded in what you have seen in his behaviors.  The alcoholic is caught up in a pretty narcissistic mindset.  Everything revolves around themselves and the world just doesn't realize how valuable they are.  They ask themselves why the world seems to be out to get them.  It is all a ruse to protect the emptiness in the soul caused first by the mid-life crisis (a pretty common and probably intentional psychological change wrought by God), and then by the alcohol--"cunning, baffling and powerful" we say in Alcoholics Anonymous.

      IS there hope? Yes, there is hope but you may not know that yet and he certainly doesn't care to know it.  He is caught up in the sinister nature of a disease that tells him he doesn't have a disease -- it is both mental and physical -- mental because we can not seem to focus on anything other than the next drink and the next oblivion that brings to our tortured mind some peace and serenity (we think) and physical because we develop a craving for the stuff that is extremely difficult to break.

     Unless your husband begins to take a different outlook on life he may be doomed to a death as an alcoholic.  Prepare for the worst but hope for the best.  The best is to do all in your power to find out more about alcoholism.  Get a copy of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous known as Alcoholics Anonymous and read it to understand more about how an alcoholic thinks and to read the stories of healing that come to people who are fortunate enough to have a spiritual awakening.  Attend alanon to get more information and to build relationships and support with other women and families who are struggling with this same evil and who have found the answer for their own personal health and happiness beyond the focus on the drunk in their lives.

     Those two things can help you in making the decision for getting the restraining order if that becomes necessary.  If he is belligerent or abusive it is probably best to do so.  This is not the sane person God created - it is a person who's mental capacities have been altered by a substance and if he won't or can't get close to God then he is in for some rough consequences which may include losing a wife and family.

    I hope this may help offer some bleak truth about alcoholism but also prompt your decision to learn more about the nature of the disease and to find the compassion in your heart to know he is a sick man who is need of a tremendous amount of prayer.

    Write again if I may be of any further help and you all will be in my prayers.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde