Expert: Druideck - 8/25/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello.  I have a good friend who is an alcoholic.  From the outside, you'd never know. He's a professional, makes great money, owns a home, etc, etc.   He's constantly jumping from woman to woman.  He starts new relationships wihtout ending the previous one.  He treats women like dirt.   He was married for 10 years and has been divorced for 7.  In that 7 years, he's had at least 15 women;  one in particular for 5 years.  She's a great girl - doesn't drink and I think was overwhelmed by his drinking.  She has put up with so much.  Finally - she has given him the boot.  But she knows when his next relationship doesn't work out, he'll come knocking on her door.  Do you think this is part of his alcoholism? (going from woman to woman)   I think he's trying to clean the slate every time; but the drinking makes itself known, and then he bails before he gets dumped.  But if he is to recover, he has to be honest about his drinking, and he can't do that with a new woman - has HAS to lie.  I'm just so confused watching this otherwise good person act like a dirt bag.  What can a friend do?


ANSWER: Joanna,

alcoholism can amplify a persons shortcomings
or problems but the dishonesty is a behaviour
pattern. This pattern your friend follows
has developed due to his inner motivations.

He may use women as a means to deal with
his insecurities, to bolster his self-image
or to satisfy an insatiable lack he feels
deep down. Alcoholics almost always
feel this lack of wholeness which they
use alcohol to fill. Some people use
other chemicals or behaviours to deal
with these feelings.

Addiction can apply
to more than just alcohol or drugs.
Often people are driven to dishonesty
by their fear of rejection or lack or become addicted
to sex and relationships with inappropriate
partners. An exciting new relationship
fills the emptiness and boredom for some.

The honeymoon is always on and once
it ends so does the relationship.
He does not find the intimacy comfortable
that happens between people deeply
involved over a long period of time.
He likes the quick thrill and then
moves on to a new more exciting
woman.

This is related to alcoholism
in that alcoholics mature very little
while drinking. Their emotional development
is stunted. They have to learn how
to behave maturely over a number of years
of sobriety.

Honesty comes with life experience
and living with a mental and emotional
base such as AA's twelve steps.

If he follows no recovery program seriously
and honestly it will only be a matter
of time before he drinks again.

Sobriety requires a certain amount of
self reflection and honest behaviour.

You can only help him by refusing to
accept lies. He is being dishonest
so why hide the truth?
The truth will someday set him free
and he can start to treat people
with true feelings and honesty.

He has probably never known real
emotional closeness or intimacy with a woman only sex
which is only a small part of true love.


Take Care!




---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for your answer.  It was insightful.  What happens when the "honeymoon" period is over with this new woman, and he tries to re-establish a connection with his ex-girlfriend.  I worry about her - he's put her through so much.  She has tried several times to move on, but when is relationships don't work out, he comes crawling back into her life.  What can she do to help herself?  She has blocked his numbers - so he can't call her, but I do worry how this is affecting her.  He's devastated this wonderful woman.  It's infuriating to me because he seems to be rewarded for his continued bad behaviour.  He has a great career, but he leaves early (ie: he doesn't go back to the office after lunch 2-3 times a week) almost every day; and he gets rewarded by receiving a $6,000 a year raise.  He lies and cheats, and never pays consequences.  He blames his disgusting behaviour on others and never takes responsibility for any of his actions.  I've been friends with him for a long time, but I think I'm ready to cut him off.

Answer
Joanna,

part of the answer you are seeking lies
in your own desire to maintain contact
with a man that seems to be a unrecovered
alcoholic and has little to offer other
than his need to use others to fill
his self-centered needs.

Alcoholics are self centered in the
extreme and also very full of self-will
which means they want their own way.
What others need or feel is very low
on their list of priorities.

This other woman that keeps taking him
back has inner reasons of her own
that keep her in this situation.
Perhaps she feels unlovable
or has feelings of low self worth.

Perhaps she has a strong need to be
needed. She may be trying to overcome
some trauma in her life perhaps
with a father that was emotionally
unavailable like this man is.

She may find "bad" men attractive
because they are more exciting than
a "nice" man. There are always
emotional ups and downs that can be
addictive when she is with him.
Until she learns to be still and
maybe a bit bored with nicer men she will keep
attracting the not so nice men.

With the nice men at least she would
have a chance to feel real closeness
and a calm sense of true love.
Robin Norwood writes some
books that would benefit you and her both.
You can search online for them.

Take care!