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Addiction to Alcohol/dating someone in Recovery

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Expert: - 8/20/2009


Question
I am dating someone who is sober for 3 years. She is early twenties, works the steps very hard, has a sponsor, and a spiritual faith.  But the pattern sometimes is an absolutely sudden switch like a Jekyll and Hyde from absolutely delightful and excited and in love... to instant misplaced anger, extremely angry comments and followed by avoidance.  She will meet with a sponsor or talk to an Old timer and seem to feel O.K. herself but will not deal with the issues and comments and sort through what is going on with me and if I bring it up she gets angry and tells me to get over it and don't piss her off.  The split personality is extremely confusing, she is a most delightfully warm and generous fun soul otherwise.  We pledged love recently that we knew meant building a life together which was followed by a sudden angry accusatory day and avoidance.  I am struggling to understand what on earth this is.. Can you help me?

Answer

Beverley Glazer MA. IC
Hi John,

Your girlfriend seems to be working very hard on her sobriety and is putting a lot of energy into the 12 step program.

Many recovering alcoholic/addicts have difficulty expressing their emotions, because for years they have been masking them by getting drunk or stoned. Once they are in recovery, they don't have the drink to fall back on and may have difficulty knowing how to deal with the pressures of every day life. This is the reason that they not only have two go to meetings and reach out to a sponsor, but they also have to work the 12 step program with that sponsor.

These are the 12 steps: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/12-step-program-of-aa.html

The steps help the person in recovery get in touch with their emotions and deal with them appropriately. This is very important, and shouldn't only be done once in recovery. As your life changes, the steps have to be repeated.

Your girlfriend will be very upset if you tell her to do the 12 steps. This is her recovery and she'll resent that you're interfering with the process.  You can ask her if she's been working with the steps yet, that type of thing.  This information can help you understand her.

The most important thing for her and for all with recovering people in the program is staying sober one day at a time. Some days are more of a struggle than others, but this takes time.

Your girlfriend does not have a split personality, and she's also not trying to shut you out by calling her sponsor or members of the program. She is simply trying to deal day by day with the stressors of life without leaning on a crutch. She feels very comfortable because these people are all in the same boat. You can also get more of an understanding by going to Al-Anon meetings for yourself.,

I hope this is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts,

Lots of luck and understanding,

Beverly Glazer M. A.
http://untwist-your-thinking.com

Beverley Glazer

Expertise

I can answer questions on all addictive behaviors: alcohol, drugs, food, compulsive sex, codependency, gambling, compulsive shoplifting etc.

Experience

I have over 20 years experience working in the addiction field. My experience extends to all levels of substance abuse. I've worked in rehabs and detox centers, prisons and half-way houses and have a busy private practice as well as an active website where I can be reached for recovery coaching and consultation. I am a cognitive behavioral therapist, but 12-step programs are an excellent support. When working in the addiction field, there is no cookie-cutter solution. In the recovery field, you witness miracles. That's why I love what I do.

Organizations
NAADAC The Association for Addiction Professionals, CACCF Canadian Addiction Counselors Federation, CCA Canadian Counseling Association, For more information please see: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

Education/Credentials
BA Psychology, MA Counseling Psychology, ICADC International Alcohol and Drug Counselor, ICAC International Clinical Addiction Counselor, CGC Certified Gambling Counselor.

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