Expert: Jan Edward Williams - 8/26/2009

Question
My drinking days have been over for four years now.  My husband, after much pleading by me, quit a year ago too, but misses it very much- the social part of drinking most of all.  I don't want my drunken husband back, I've enjoyed the time we've had together sober, but he's miserable as a sober man.  He claims that he won't be "as bad" as he used to be, and will be able to "control it".  I don't believe him.  I won't go back.  I grew up in an alcoholic home, and I can't do to my own preteen children, what was done to me as I grew up.  My kids are one of the main reasons I quit.  I'm much happier sober.. I don't understand why my husband can't also be happy. Last night he cracked open and drank a beer.  I feel like I just got put on the backburner... that alcohol just won over our marriage.  I just don't know what to do.  He swears he won't be bad anymore... but I've heard this before.  But he keeps saying this time it's different.... Is there any hope for our marriage? He said something to me that made alot of sense tonight... that when he married me he married a partier... and now I cleaned up my life.... so I'm not the same person that I used to be.  I think he has a point.  But I just know that he's short changing himself if he goes back to drinking.. and I'd be short changing myself if I stay with a man who drinks.  Ack... I'm so confused!!!


Answer
Hello Tracy,
First of all, congratulations on your four years of abstinence from alcohol. That's wonderful. As seems to be the case for your husband, most alcoholics cannot stay sober in the long term for someone else, although you seem to have been successful at quitting for your children. But, I think you probably stopped for yourself in the sense that you decided that the pain you experienced as a child growing up with alcoholic parents would be worsened in you if you continued drinking and hurt your children as you were hurt. You do not mention how you stopped drinking or whether you or your husband had any treatment or attended meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. You have a tough road ahead of you trying to provide a healthy home for your children with an alcoholic father who is drinking. It can get very lonely, painful, and overwhelming as a parent in recovery with an alcoholic husband, especially one like you who grew up in an alcoholic home!

Therefore, I suggest that you consider attending meetings of AA (http://www.aa.org/) yourself to support your sobriety so you do not cave in to the pain and loneliness and to your husband's complaint that you aren't the woman he married. I also suggest you consider attending Al-Anon, the 12 Step Program for those in a relationship with an alcoholic (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/), for support for you and to help you to not enable your husband's drinking. In Al-Anon you can get a good perspective about how to take care of yourself and your children. You may wish to tell your husband when he is sober, that you are going to attend Al-Anon, and that your marriage may be in danger if he does not stop drinking. Check out my website for more help. Good luck,
Jan Edward Williams, MS, JD, LCADC
http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com
jwilliams@alcoholdrugsos.com