Expert: james52144@earthlink.net - 8/30/2009

Question
I have been in a relationship with a man for 12 months, and made the mistake of allowing him to move in after just a few weeks. I quickly realised that my partner has a problem with alcohol as he has drunk every single day of our relationship. We have never consumated his relationship, saying that its because i dont make much effort with myself etc and he cant have sex with someone he doesnt find attractive. I suspect it is because he is unable to maintain an erection as on the occasions we have tried this has been the problem, and he makes those nasty comments to try shoulder the blame onto me. I have finally found the strength to end this relationship and have moved him out of the house, but he constantly rings me and thinks because he drinks beer and not spirits, and holds down a full time job (is in the pub for 5.30 though) he is not an alcholic. its my understanding that anyone that has a dependancy to drink every single day is an alcoholic, is this right? I feel so guilty over kicking him out, my friends say ive done him a favour because he has to hit rock bottom before he will get help, but i feel so bad and am very close to taking him back. he is on a final written warning for work for lateness and i know that without me there to get him up etc, he will be sacked within a couple of weeks, the guilt is eating away at me. I ended the relationship because he made me so desperately unhappy and was so completely selfish, but and theres always a but - i love him so much it hurts. Is there anyone i can talk to about this? any support groups for people no longer in relationships with alcoholics?
thanks

Answer
Hi Stephanie

Why do you want to be miserable. From what you describe, he is not going to change and he makes you miserable when he is around. You may want to ask yourself why you are "in love" with someone that is impotent, mean and drunk. I would recommend that you go to Alanon, which is a support group for people who have been hurt by alcoholics.