Expert: Druideck - 8/29/2009

Question
My fiance and I love each other and it is very obvious to everyone we have a 2 hour long distance relationship. The problem is my fiance's father became an alcoholic, without anybody really knowing or they knew but were in denial. This has been going on for years. Finally it became awful for my fiance for the last year he put his life on hold. He is only 21 and he is running his fathers small construction company which just went under. Therefore he has no job just as much as his family. His mother and father have used my fiance as a crutch to take care of everything. His father often tells him he wants to kill himself and he needs help and has been admitted to the hospital for 3 weeks. Chances are his father will not change. I know my fiance still hopes and i know he is no longer in denial about his situation and he blames his mother and his father. However, its been such a bumpy road. I have 2 close family members in the hospital and one is ready to pass. I feel like i needed him here with me, but i know he needs to be down there bc he has to deal with social workers because his mother will not do so. I support all of his decisions even if they hurt my feelings. We actually broke up at one point in a terrible manner, but he came to realize how it wasnt worth it and he knows im the one. My real problem is how do i be supportive bc he has put me on the back burner for a while now bc of his family. It seems like its always about him now, which i know he is trying to show me also throughout the day that he still loves me..wether its text messages or phone calls. He never wants to talk about our situation or his familys situation but i am becoming worried bc its destroying him. He wont tell anyone how he feels. I feel like he is hurting me and i need to tell him how i feel. I feel like i need something more from him or more effort bc it is a long distance relationship. He goes out with his friends and stuff and i try not to bother him and i want him to go enjoy himself but i know sometimes i do ..as soon as he drives his dad 3 hours away into inpatient rehab he said he is going to come up and see me for a few days.  Should i tell him how i feel about our relationship and should i tell him it needs to be about me 2.. I already know he is going through a hard time but he is not the only one..what do you suggest i do.

Answer
Alyssa,

this is a tough situation for you both.
He has to deal with parents that
refuse to take responsibility for
themselves.

It is true that we cannot really change
someone else unless they want to change.
Just as his father may not change
there is the possibility your fiance
may not change either. He may continue
to hide his feelings and thoughts
from you. This can be painful when you
want to build more closeness to someone
but they won't let you in.

The other side of the picture is
you. You may be demanding something
he cannot or will not give you
right now. He is swamped with his
family of origins problems.

Sometimes we have to deal with our
own demands by understanding that
others are human and cannot always
be our everything.

You need to get support from other
people too. Find trusted friends or
family to share your feelings with.
Try not to make one man your source
of comfort and support.

You will overwhelm him and
this will inevitably end up
with him making a choice between
his parents and you.
That is not a fair choice to force
on anybody.

He may have to pull away and let his
parents learn how to live their
own lives at some point.
He is in a struggle.

You can help by taking care of yourself
and getting support from
others while he works this out.

Remember it is not he that
causes your pain, it is your
demands for attention and affection
when he is not able or willing to give it.

Let go of your emotional demands
and the pain will subside.
Accept what is right now
and maybe when things clear up
you will get what you want from him.

If you continue to make strong demands
rather than requests he will be forced
to leave to protect his own
emotional and mental life.

We can not force others to be what
we dream of only what they really are
right now in the present.

Take care!