Expert: Clyde - 8/16/2009

Question
I am a happily married 37-year old woman with children.  About a year ago I was contacted by email by my first boyfriend, whom I had not spoken to in 15 years and who lives in a different town.  He was my first love and in fact my only real love aside from my husband.  He treated me terribly during our off and on relationship, and though he was did not drink when we started dating, the last time I saw him he was a full-blown alcoholic.

He claimed to be contacting me 'just to say hi' and was very kind in email. He had just emerged from a rehabilitation program and was working on two years sobriety.  He said he thought of me often and hoped we could stay in touch,

A few months later I met him for lunch in the city he now lives.  During lunch he told me that he wanted to make amends for how he had treated me.  He also mentioned that for the past five months he was drinking on occasion to see if he could control the drinking this time.

Though he seemed sincere, I was surprised by his amends gesture and asked for more time to consider it and respond. He told me that was fine and that we could continue the dialogue later.   

I then sent him a follow-up email explaining exactly how he had hurt me and how I did not want to be a notch on his step 9 list, but that I would be open to a friendship. I was very frank and open in my email. To make a long story short, he emailed to say he would respond soon but never did respond in substance.  We spoke once afterwards and he said he was in the midst of drafting a response which he would send soon, but that my suggestion of friendship had "taken him aback," and that he did not have friends and did not want to "lead me on."  

After several months it became clear to me that he would never respond.  I sent him a final email giving him a piece of my mind for what I perceived to be very disrespectful behavior and telling him that as far as I could see he had not changed at all from when we were dating and that he continued to start things up with me and then blow me off.  I did not expect a response from him and I did not receive one.  And I do not intend to contact him again, having said what there is to be said from my end.

I am trying not to take what he did personally, but it is difficult for me to understand how anyone could think this is acceptable behavior.  I have now spent the better part of six months trying to come to terms with my anger and the hurt caused by dredging up extremely painful memories with no real resolution.  My question is this:  why would someone supposedly trying to make amends behave in this manner?  Perhaps I am naive to think that understanding his motivations would help in my own healing, but at this point I am not sure how else to move beyond this very painful episode. I don't know anyone else with an addiction problem or anyone else who has treated addiction, so most people's take on it is that he is just a jerk.  Somehow this seems too simplistic to me.  

Thanks for your thoughts.

Answer
Liora,
    Thank you for your question and for the excellent description of the events leading up to your choosing to send in the question.

    First of all, the reason why the amends went awry is because he has not changed (as you have concluded so correctly).  You said that he was still drinking and trying to control it.  We can never regain control once we become full-blown alcoholics.  His amends was not fair because he does not buy into the program of complete and absolute abstinence from alcohol.  Call it our "visible and outward sign" of contrition to a Higher Power who can keep us from picking up the drink, but this absolute understanding is paramount to our finally realizing that "our goal [in life] is to be of maximum use to God and our fellows" (if not exact, this is a pretty close paraphrase of our Big Book).

    Now, had he bought into the program properly, he would have understood that step 9 says "except when to do so would injure them or others," for a reason.  The reason is that we are living on a new basis and that basis is centered in other people not ourselves.  He did not and probably does not understand that even today.  Unfortunately, you have been victimized by him again.  I hope you will not be too hard on him, though.  Alcoholism is an insidious disease and it aims to kill us from the inside - mentally, emotionally, and psychologically.

    You also said that he has indicated to you that he does not have friends.  How sad that he can state that so matter-of-fact.  But many alcoholics have the introverted side of their personalities so welled camouflaged that they will never come to know what it means to be really empathetic to others.  There could be some narcissism (too much interest in one's self) at work here as well.  This may be a stretch, but his "being taken aback" probably has his narcissism worked up a little in thinking he still has power over you.  Your suggestion to be friends may have caused him to enter a fantasy world of "what-if, etc." and now he is thinking he may have a chance with you again.  This is only conjecture but it may signal that you'll be glad that he is not answering your e-mails.  You may not want to get the response.

    It all boils down to his spiritual condition not being sufficient.  I pray for people like him that they will get enough AA to ruin their drinking and they will eventually come around to the program requirement - a desire to quit drinking for good.

    As far as your emotional state goes - when old wounds and memories are fired back up it puts us into the mode of grieving all over again.  Think of the people in Chicago who have learned that the graves of their loved ones were desecrated for money (to resell the plots).  Some of these people will truly have to grieve all over again.  That is where you are at.  Pardon the poor grammar but it is true.

    Anger is one of the stages of grief and your description of it is good and healthy and just a sign that your emotions are in fine working order.  What we need when we are grieving is simply someone to listen and affirm where we are.  The comments from your friends are not helpful because they do not affirm your feelings - they tend to focus on the sick "jerk."  Seek out persons who are good at listening and allowing you to talk without offering solutions.

    I would suggest a little book to help on the grief.  It is by Colgrove and entitled "Surviving the Loss of a Love".  You have to remember that you once had deep feelings for this guy and your emotions and psyche tell you that maybe you did not lose him completely.  This is your mind and heart working on some unrequited feelings.  You'll need to work through those again.

    In the meantime, I would suggest that you begin to accept that it is probably not a good idea to have this person in your life.  He is not well and he won't be for quite some time.  Amends are best left till way down the road in recovery.  He needs time to really mean what he says and care about you not himself.

     I hope that this may have helped and write again if I may be of any further help.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde