You are here:
- Home
- Health/Fitness
- Substance Abuse
- Addiction to Alcohol
- partner of alcoholic
Addiction to Alcohol/partner of alcoholic
Advertisement
Question
Hi Joseph,
I am female, 40 years old, dating an admitted alcoholic. I have dated him on and off for 2 1/2 years of both very happy and misery. He has finally stopped drinking 3 months ago. Won't go to AA. Won't allow me to bring up my hurt feelings about the past. If I do, he says I blow things out of proportion and am just too sensitive, so it is all my fault that I was/am hurt over his actions.
Even though he stopped drinking, those hurtful personality traits are still there: broken promises, little follow through on agreements, irritable, ordering, discounting, harsh, cold, sexual when there is no emotional intimacy.
Today, those traits were coming out. I told him to stop. I started crying. He does the usual of telling me something is wrong with me and drops me off at my house, cancelling our plans.
All I can do is cry and tell myself I will feel better. I did find a combined AA/Alanon meeting for tonight and called to ask if he would go with me. He will not answer his phone.
Should I keep trying to contact him to try to work things out? I think one of the reasons I fear losing him is I fear the depression I will go through if we are broken up. At the same time, it feels like I am losing his respect by continuing to try to work it out. I almost feel like the only way to help myself is to block his calls and emails. As if he will even reach out to me at all...that has usually been the problem, he does not reach out in love to me. Is indifferent toward the hurt I feel.
What can or should I do?
Deni
Greetings to you, Deni.
You have asked:
>> What can or should I do?
If you are asking what you can or should do about the unhealthy relationship you have described, I would say there is nothing you can do to improve it, and that it would be wise for you to move along and away from it.
You have written:
>> He ... Won't go to AA.
>> Won't allow me to bring up my hurt feelings about the past.
>> If I do, he says I blow things out of proportion and am just too sensitive, so it is all my fault that I was/am hurt over his actions.
Some women can live that way and some cannot, and I do not recommend anyone even try unless there is absolutely no alternative such as when caring for an elderly and demented parent or spouse where an “in sickness and in health” type of commitment or responsibility exists.
>> Even though he stopped drinking, those hurtful personality traits are still there ...
Sure, and some of them are even likely to get worse. Drinking can lead to some wrong or foolish behaviour, but alcohol is not the cause of the alcoholic’s fear-and-pride-driven life of overall selfishness and self-centeredness. Drunk or sober, the alcoholic still in his or her natural state is spiritually sick.
>> Today, those traits were coming out. I told him to stop. I started crying. He does the usual of telling me something is wrong with me and drops me off at my house, canceling our plans.
He wants to have a happy and enjoyable life, but he believes he can have that on his own terms ... and all the while using self-pity to justify such thought. Overall, he is presently incapable of placing the welfare and happiness of anyone else ahead of his own ... and that can eventually drain the very life out of just about anyone else.
>> All I can do is cry and tell myself I will feel better.
>> Should I keep trying to contact him to try to work things out?
Not in my opinion. Rather, please get in touch with Al-Anon on your own and look for one or more of the women there to help you see things clearly and begin a truly-effective approach to “happy, joyous and free” living.
>> I think one of the reasons I fear losing him is I fear the depression I will go through if we are broken up.
Loneliness can be very painful, but it can ultimately be far less painful to deal with that properly than to live the rest of one’s life as a hostage in a one-sided relationship.
Please do get in touch with Al-Anon, Deni, and please know you are always welcomed to write.
Joseph Lee O.
- Ask a Question
| Rating(1-10) | Knowledgeability = 10 | Clarity of Response = 10 | Politeness = 10 |
| Comment | Thank you so much for the attention you gave to each and every part of my question. | ||
Related Articles
- Growing Up With an Alcoholic - How Do You Feel Growing Up With an Alcoholic Parent Has Changed You?
- Alcoholic Family Roles - Have You Been Playing a Role in the Life of an Alcoholic?
- Alcoholic Family Roles - Have You Been Playing a Role in the Life of an Alcoholic?
- Diane's Recovery Story
- Growing Up With an Alcoholic - How Do You Feel Growing Up With an Alcoholic Parent Has Changed You?
Answers by Expert:
Joseph Lee O.
Expertise
Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.
Experience
The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
©2012 About.com, a part of The New York Times Company. All rights reserved.