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Addiction to Alcohol/with a recovering alcoholic

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Expert: - 8/23/2009


Question
I am 40 year old single woman, dating a 46 year old man for over 2 years. He was an active alcoholic 2 years. Quit cold turkey 3 months ago. Does not go to AA. Does not like me to talk about my feelings and hurt over the past when he was drinking. Gets angry at me and says I have a problem because I keep bringing it up over and over again. Says it "freaks him out" when I show my hurt, crying over the past.

My anger and hatred for him is growing.  I don't know what to do. Shouldn't I be allowed to air my feelings now that he has stopped drinking, without being blamed for making him feel bad, or for "attacking" him and "going on and on about the past"...  This is what he says I am doing. I can't let go of the past without talking about it.
What should I do?
Deni

Answer

Beverley Glazer MA., I
Hi Deni,

Although your boyfriend quit drinking for the past three months, it seems he has a problem dealing  with the emotions that are not only within you, but are within himself as well.

This is quite common when someone quits alcohol or drugs cold turkey.

You should be allowed to air your feelings but he may not he able to deal with them. He would probably prefer to let bygones be bygones and just move on. This is not possible when you're in a two year relationship.

It would've been helpful for him to go to AA meetings and discuss this with his sponsor, but as he chooses not to, ask him if he'd be willing to go to couple counseling with you.

It would also be beneficial to learn cognitive behavioral techniques:
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com/cognitive_techniques.html

If your boyfriend chooses not to go to counseling, it would still be advisable to get counseling for yourself. No one should be in a one-sided relationship. Your feelings and thoughts must be respected.

I hope this information is helpful,

Thank you for asking AllExperts

Best regards

Beverley Glazer
http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

Beverley Glazer

Expertise

I can answer questions on all addictive behaviors: alcohol, drugs, food, compulsive sex, codependency, gambling, compulsive shoplifting etc.

Experience

I have over 20 years experience working in the addiction field. My experience extends to all levels of substance abuse. I've worked in rehabs and detox centers, prisons and half-way houses and have a busy private practice as well as an active website where I can be reached for recovery coaching and consultation. I am a cognitive behavioral therapist, but 12-step programs are an excellent support. When working in the addiction field, there is no cookie-cutter solution. In the recovery field, you witness miracles. That's why I love what I do.

Organizations
NAADAC The Association for Addiction Professionals, CACCF Canadian Addiction Counselors Federation, CCA Canadian Counseling Association, For more information please see: http://www.untwist-your-thinking.com

Education/Credentials
BA Psychology, MA Counseling Psychology, ICADC International Alcohol and Drug Counselor, ICAC International Clinical Addiction Counselor, CGC Certified Gambling Counselor.

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